


This Old Man Thought It Weak

by CocoBadShip



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-26
Updated: 2020-04-30
Packaged: 2021-02-28 01:33:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 27,233
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22905544
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CocoBadShip/pseuds/CocoBadShip
Summary: "Eddie. I think you're depressed."
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 92
Kudos: 672





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Let's talk about Eddie Diaz's feelings. 
> 
> I went back and forth about whether or not this should be an one-shot or a chapter fic, and chapter fic won. We'll see how this goes. 
> 
> This is technically a repost, by the way. I'd posted this first chapter a couple of weeks ago, but ended up deleting it because I didn't have my life together and didn't know what I was doing with the story.

Eddie will never get used to coming to these sessions. 

He’s in the freezing-cold waiting room for Frank’s office, sitting uncomfortably in the narrow chairs as he counts down the minutes until his session starts. Eddie’s alone here, but the room still feels small and cramped, somehow. The stark white walls and pale, sickly lighting make Eddie’s skin crawl. He squirms around, shifting and moving like a child who’s been sent to the principal’s office—a kid who knows he’s in so much trouble, and he’ll never, ever hear the end of it. 

Being here is a punishment. A seemingly never-ending punishment. 

For the 100th time in the hour, Eddie digs his phone out of his pocket and starts mindlessly scrolling through Instagram. He doesn’t know what he’s looking for until he finds it: a picture that Buck’s posted of him and Christopher. They’re both grinning wide, their mouths covered in blue and red juice, and they’re both holding the remnants of a snow cone in their hands. 

Eddie smiles, but a spike of jealousy tightens his throat. Buck took Christopher out today, distracting Chris from the fact that his dad has to see his “doctor friend” again. They’re in the park eating snow cones while Eddie shivers in the waiting room of a shrink. Eddie could be out there in the sun with his kid and his best friend, but he has to be here instead. 

Eddie really can’t be mad about it. It’s his own fault he’s here. He’s the only one of 118 who still has to see Frank this regularly. Maddie and Hen were both cleared, and only see Frank as they deem necessary. 

But Eddie, who hasn’t gone through half of what they both have, is still here at least once every two weeks, staring at the collar of Frank’s shirt as Frank tries to coax more tears out of him.

Eddie wouldn’t have to deal with this if Frank didn’t think something was wrong with him. If he were better—or, if he could at least _pretend_ to be “better”—Eddie would be free to go. 

But he’s not. So, here he is. 

Eddie double taps the picture, watching the red heart burst from underneath it. Then, for the hell of it, he decides to text Buck. 

**3:32 PM** : So you guys didn’t get me a snow cone lol? 

Eddie only has to wait a few minutes before his phone is buzzing with Buck’s response. 

**Buck - 3:36 PM:** We did! But somebody who shall not be named ate it . . . 

Eddie chuckles to himself as he types his response. 

**3:39 PM** : Somebody you won’t name huh?

Eddie imagines Christopher leaning onto Buck, trying to peer into his phone while Buck texts Eddie. Eddie’s watched those two “fight” over Buck’s phone before; it’s always a bunch of giggling and squealing and face-splitting grins that make Eddie’s heart swell. 

**Buck - 3:43 PM** : Just between us, I wouldn’t trust that kid of yours. He’s a shifty one. 

“Eddie?”

Eddie looks up from his phone to see Frank waiting for him. Whatever good feeling Eddie was having dissipates as Frank beckons to him. 

“You ready?” 

Eddie stands up and slides his phone back into his pocket. He follows Frank into his office, trying to ignore the feeling growing in his stomach. 

**

When Eddie was a kid, he and his father used to play fight a lot. 

Eddie remembers the way they’d wrestle or slap box, throwing each other around and smacking each other’s arms and legs. They would run and chase each other around the house, crashing into tables and chairs as they tackled each other to the ground. And they’d be _loud_ , their voices carrying through the house, disturbing Eddie’s sisters as they talked on the phone or did their homework. 

Eddie never beat his father; he would always end up on the ground, shrieking with laughter as his father celebrated his victory. 

“I am the greatest! ” Ramon would yell, grinning broadly as he flexed his muscles. And Eddie would look at him, admiration pouring out of his eyes as he watched his father strut around the room. 

Eddie’s mom hated it. She would fuss at them, threatening to smack them both with her chancleta. 

"Stop all that racket, Ramon!” Helena would shout, waving her shoe at them. “And stop throwing my son around. You’re gonna hurt him! All that rough-housing isn’t necessary!” 

And Ramon would only laugh more and scoop Eddie into his arms, beaming with pride at this son. 

“Oh, _relax_ , mi amor! He’s tough, he can take it! I’m making our son a strong boy!” 

“Yeah, right, a ‘strong boy,’” his mother would mutter under breath. And she would go back to whatever she was doing while Ramon and Eddie laughed and continued their destruction. 

Eddie remembers his father back then—a strong man, muscles as big as Eddie’s head, flexing with a devious glint in his eyes. He’d grin widely at Eddie, telling Eddie to push his chest out, put his fist up, be strong, boy, be strong. A Superman that he could reach out and touch. 

He seemed so much smaller the last time Eddie saw him; a curved back, sagging shoulders, narrowed eyes, gray in his mustache. Ramon seemed stretched and distorted, age pulling him closer and closer to the ground. He looked like a crude imagining of the man Eddie admired; like a hastily-sketched caricature of what his father was before. 

Looking back, Eddie understands his mother’s annoyance; he and his father would always end up breaking something. The house would look like a tornado hit it when they were done, and they’d grumble as Helena made them clean the house up. 

Besides, it’s hard to see how “strong” all that fighting made Eddie when Eddie has to sit in a therapist’s office years later, feeling small as the man in front of him stares. It’s hard to say fighting did him any good when fighting is what got him here. 

**

“How have things been lately?”

Eddie shrugs, not making eye contact with Frank. 

“The same,” he answers in a dry voice. “Not better, not worse. Nothing’s really going on.” 

“No difficult calls?” Frank presses. “Or, you know, anything going on with the 118 you might be concerned about?” 

“The job’s been the job,” Eddie says with a sigh. “You know how it goes. I’m just glad the entire squad is at work at the same time again.”

“Yeah, you guys have gone through a lot this past year,” Frank comments. “Do you think it’s affected the way you guys work together?”

Of course it has. Everyone’s either more careful or more reckless, depending on the day. They’re even more codependent than before and can’t function without one another. But, that also means that they move as one—weaving in and out of each other’s space, communicating without having to say a single word. Eddie can’t complain about how they work now if it means they’re helping people more effectively. 

“It’s made us better,” Eddie says confidently. He looks Frank in the face for the first time in session. “It’s made us a stronger team.” 

Frank looks contemplative for a moment, as if he’s trying to figure out a way to argue with Eddie. After a few moments, Frank nods, as if he’s accepted Eddie’s answer. 

“I imagine that it has,” Frank says. “But I also imagine that it’s made you guys a little more vulnerable, too.” 

“ . . . What do you mean?” Eddie asks with a furrowed brow. 

“Well, I mean that while going through that much trauma as a team can definitely make you feel stronger and closer, it also changes how you process your thoughts and emotions. It can make you more susceptible to . . . the more negative feelings.” 

“You mean that you expect us all to be depressed.” Eddie’s tone is more accusatory than he means it to be, but he doesn’t doubt the words coming out of his mouth. 

“No, what I mean is that certain situations can affect you differently,” Frank says. “And if you’re not open with each other about how you’re feeling, your job will become even more difficult.” 

Eddie crosses his arms and leans back in his chair. 

“Frank, I’m starting to think you want something to be wrong with me today.”

Frank puts his hands up in surrender. “Not necessarily! I just want you to be upfront with me if there is something wrong. And . . . I also remember that about a month ago, you talked about constantly feeling down.” 

Eddie flinches as he remembers that session. He’s still deeply embarrassed by the way he broke down that day. 

“Well, I’m not feeling that way now,” Eddie says quickly. “I feel normal, most days.”

“ _Most_ days?” 

_Damn it._ Slip ups like this is why Eddie has to keep showing up to these sessions. 

“I mean, yeah, I might feel down if we have a tough call or if Chris has a bad day at school,” Eddie amends. “But, most of the time, I feel fine. There’s nothing going wrong in my life right now.” 

Frank watches Eddie for what feels like forever before nodding again. 

“Okay,” Frank says with a tone of finality. “There’s nothing going wrong in your life right now.”

Eddie gives a curt nod. “Right. Nothing.” 

“I’m willing to believe that.” The _for now_ is unspoken, but Eddie still hears it very clearly. 

“Thanks.” 

“But I gotta say, Eddie,” Frank continues, “the ultimate goal of these sessions is to move you from feeling ‘fine’ to actually feeling ‘happy.’ I want you to get well and be happy. You know?” 

Eddie blinks at Frank. There’s something about what Frank’s said that’s thrown Eddie off balance. Maybe it’s the tone of Frank’s voice, or the way Frank has twisted his nose up. 

Or, maybe it’s the concept of “being happy.” Like, consistently happy, without interruption or conditions. It just seems unrealistic to Eddie, if he’s being honest. There’s always going to be _something_ to make him unhappy. That’s just how life is. There’s always a near-death experience, or a bad call, or a medical bill or one of the hundreds of other things that can happen to them. Happiness as a goal seems futile, really. It just doesn’t make any sense. 

How does Frank expect Eddie to feel happy most of the time? Who even has the energy for something like that? 

Eddie almost wants to tell Frank that his “goal” sounds impossible. But, Eddie knows better than to set himself for failure that way. 

So, Eddie just nods, and forces himself to crack a small smile.

“Yeah, I know.”

“And you know that the only way we can get there is if you feel like you can be honest with me,” Frank continues.

Eddie swallows, but nods again. “Yeah, yeah, I know.” 

“Good to hear,” Frank says. He smiles warmly at Eddie. “I’m not trying to force anything outta you, Eddie. I just want you to keep making progress.” 

Eddie looks down at his hands. He thinks of Buck and Christopher again, out there in the park, having fun without him. 

“Yeah,” Eddie says with a sigh, “so do I.”


	2. Chapter 2

Eddie is tired by the time he goes to pick Christopher up. 

He didn’t do much else besides workout and go to therapy today, but he feels like he worked a full shift. Therapy cannot be worth the mental exhaustion Eddie feels every time he leaves that damn office. Eddie could crawl into bed and sleep for days at this point. 

Eddie wonders what Frank would say about that. Frank’s explanation would probably have the word “depressed” somewhere in there, since that’s something he _really_ wants to put on Eddie. Eddie grimaces at the thought. 

Eddie thinks about Frank the whole way to Buck’s apartment. He understands that Frank has a job to do, but it’s wild to him that Frank’s whole purpose is to force Eddie to say that he feels bad. Frank has to figure out how to push Eddie’s buttons any chance he gets. And Eddie has to figure some way to withstand it long enough to qualify as a “well” person. 

Eddie rubs his eyes and barely keeps himself from leaning onto Buck’s door. He doesn’t know how he’s going to “get well” considering he has to spend several hours having his brain poked and prodded every week, but he’s going to try to figure it out. 

Eddie knocks on the door. He hears the sounds of Christopher’s giggles and his crutches moving around inside, and he chuckles to himself. 

The door swings open, and Eddie finds himself looking at Christopher’s beaming smile. 

“Hiii, dad!” Christopher cheers and he wraps his arms around Eddie’s waist. 

Chris’s practically bouncing as he hugs Eddie, and Eddie can’t help but laugh. 

“Hey, kid! You’re a little hyper today, aren’t you?” 

Christopher laughs and starts pulling Eddie into the apartment, not at all concerned by the way his crutches drag on the floor as they move. Buck instinctively puts a steadying hand on Christopher’s back as Eddie leans back and pulls the door closed. 

“Whoa, careful there, buddy,” Buck mumbles, and he flashes a smile at Eddie as they maneuver their way into the apartment. 

Eddie nearly trips over his own feet when he looks Buck in the face. 

“You good, Eddie?” Buck asks, clearly trying to bite back a laugh.

“I’m . . . making it,” Eddie answers, glancing down at his snickering kid as he walks. 

When they finally stop moving, Eddie gives Buck a knowing look. 

“So, you guys had even more sugar today, huh?”

Buck smiles sheepishly, and Eddie, for a second, Eddie finds himself distracted by the slight wrinkles at the bottom of Buck’s eyes.

“ _Yeah_ , maybe we did?” Buck answers, biting his lower lip. 

Eddie rolls his eyes and sighs exaggeratedly, but he still can’t stop the smile from spreading across his face. 

“Great, now _I_ have to deal with a 9-year-old hopped up on sugar? I don’t think that’s fair, Buck.”

Buck kisses his teeth and smirks. “Oh, please. You know you couldn’t be happier to see him.” 

Eddie doesn’t even have a smart remark for that, because Buck is absolutely correct. 

“Sure couldn’t,” Eddie says, and he gives Christopher a tight squeeze. 

Buck goes into his dining room to get Christopher’s backpack, laughing as he goes. Eddie turns his attention back to Christopher. 

“Well, I _guess_ I’m glad you two had a good day,” Eddie says, ruffling Christopher’s hair. 

“We did!” Christopher says. “We had a lot of fun!” 

“I can tell. One of you owes me a snow cone.”

“It’s _Buck!_ ” Christopher yells gleefully. “He ate it, not me!” 

“I wholeheartedly deny any wrongdoing!” Buck calls over to them. 

Buck emerges from the dining room with Christopher’s backpack in one hand and a folded up $20 in the other. He holds both out to Eddie, who only takes the backpack. 

“When are you going to stop giving me my money back?” Eddie asks. 

“When are _you_ going to stop giving me money in the first place?” Buck shoots back, pushing the money towards Eddie again. 

Eddie huffs and takes the money. But instead of putting it in his own pocket, he slips it in Christopher's. 

“For later,” he says to Buck’s bemused face. 

“I won’t use it,” Buck says in a sing-song voice. 

“I don’t _care_ ,” Eddie responds in the same tone, earning another giggle from Christopher. 

Buck makes a face at Eddie. “You Diazs are too stubborn for my liking.” 

“I know _you_ aren’t talking. You and your sister are the most stubborn people I’ve ever met.” 

“Haven’t you met yourself, Eddie?” 

And Eddie is about to shoot back, completely offended at being called stubborn by the most stubborn man in Los Angeles County, when Christopher suddenly tugs on his shirt. 

“Did today go good?” Christopher asks in a quiet voice. All the giggling and laughing from just a few minutes ago is gone. 

Eddie shoots Buck a confused look. Buck looks just as bewildered. 

“Um, what do you mean?” Eddie asks Christopher with a faint smile. 

“With your doctor friend,” Christopher says deliberately. Then, in an even quieter voice: “Did he say you’re getting better?” 

Eddie’s heart sinks as the realization dawns on him. He looks at Buck again, slowly this time. Buck blinks, and there’s a tangle of shock, confusion, and guilt on his face. 

They’ve talked about this. When it became apparent that Eddie would be going to therapy on a regular basis, Eddie and Buck talked about what they would say to Christopher, how they would explain what Eddie’s doing. It’s how “doctor friend” became a phrase—Christopher used it to equate Eddie’s therapy with the time Christopher went to the child psychologist after the tsunami. 

“He was really nice and he let me draw and play like we were friends at school,” Christopher had explained to a surprised Eddie and Buck that day. “So, maybe that’s what your doctor friend will do, too.” 

Eddie and Buck don’t discuss therapy in front of Christopher. The last thing Eddie needs is for Christopher to overhear Eddie recounting some horrible story or traumatic event. And they definitely don’t need Christopher thinking that Eddie is _sick._ Christopher asking _this_ question is disconcerting. 

“I’m okay, Chris. You don’t have to worry about me,” Eddie answers.

But Christopher doesn’t look convinced. If anything, he looks even more worried as he looks Eddie in the eye.

“Are you _sure_?” Christopher pushes. 

Eddie opens his mouth, but nothing comes out. _Just say yes_ , Eddie thinks to himself. _Just say yes, you idiot._ But still, nothing comes out of Eddie’s mouth. 

He doesn’t want to lie—that’s the problem. Eddie doesn’t like lying to his son. But, he doesn’t like burdening Christopher, either. And telling Christopher the truth in this moment would do exactly that. 

Before Eddie can fret over it anymore, Buck jumps in.

“Your dad’s got it under control,” Buck supplies. “You don’t have to worry about him, okay?”

Christopher looks over to Buck and nods, but Eddie can still see the uncertainty in his eyes. Buck sees it, too, and he steps in again. This time, he crouches down to Christopher’s level and smiles mischievously. 

“The only thing _you_ need to worry about is me beating you at Mario Kart. Okay?” 

Christopher laughs, and the concern finally fades from his face. 

“Okay!” Christopher chirps. “ _I’m_ gonna beat _you_ , Buck!” 

“Yeah, we’ll see about that, kid,” Buck says with a wink. 

The feeling of relief is almost overwhelming to Eddie. He has no idea how that would’ve gone if Buck wasn’t here. 

Buck stands up and looks at Eddie. Buck’s trying to give Eddie a casual look, but he’s failing.

“See you at work tomorrow?” 

Eddie nods and tries to smile. 

“Yeah, yeah. See you tomorrow."


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was originally supposed to be part of chapter 2, but I decided to split them up to keep the length more uniform. 
> 
> Also, I want to make it clear that Eddie is not the most reliable of narrators. The tone and style of the narration is entirely dependent on how he's feeling about himself in that moment. So, this will be fun 🙃

Christopher doesn’t ask about it again. 

They go home, eat dinner, play a board game and pack Christopher’s bag for his day with Abuela tomorrow. Eddie manages to tuck Christopher in bed without having to dodge anymore therapy-related questions. It’s a small victory. 

But, Christopher’s question won’t stop nagging at Eddie’s mind.  _ Are you sure? _ Eddie ponders it as he gets ready for bed, turning Christopher’s words over and over again in his mind. 

What would make Christopher ask him that? Eddie hasn’t been  _ showing  _ Christopher that he’s upset . . . has he? Have Eddie and Buck mentioned Frank in front of Chris without noticing? Has Eddie made it obvious that something is  _ wrong  _ with him? 

Eddie remembers that they’ve had this problem once before. He still cringes when he thinks of those drawings. Christopher had been hurting over Shannon and the tsunami, but he was so concerned with  _ Eddie’s _ well-being that he thought he had to hide his own pain. Christopher—the  _ child _ —felt responsible for the adult in his life. And now here Christopher is again, having to look at Eddie and wonder if he’s  _ really  _ okay, or if there’s something wrong that he needs to fix. 

Eddie washes his face, and he wishes these thoughts would wash down the drain like the soap and water. 

But he can’t help but fixate on them; he feels like he’s being beaten upside the head with them. Damn it, they  _ just  _ got over that, and now they’re heading back there again? What the hell is Eddie doing? His whole job is to protect Chris, but he’s always fucking it up. Why can’t Eddie ever get this right? Is Eddie really that bad of a parent? 

Eddie’s internal rant is interrupted by the sound of his phone ringing. Eddie dries his face and peers at the phone curiously. But, then again, there’s really no need to be curious about who it is. There’s not too many people who would call this time of night, and Eddie can guess who it is. 

He picks up his phone and smiles at the ID. He’s guessed correctly.

“Hey, Buck. What’s up?”

“You kinda sound like you were expecting me to call, Eddie,” Buck says with a small laugh. 

“I can’t say I’m  _ surprised,”  _ Eddie says, flopping down onto his bed as he talks. _ “ _ Most people don’t call at this time. You’re the only one who doesn’t understand what bedtime means.”

“Gotta be honest, Ed. I think most people don’t call you at this time because they don’t wanna talk to you  _ at all. _ ” 

Eddie can visualize the way Buck narrows his eyes and twists his nose as he speaks. Buck always makes that same face when he’s picking with Eddie. At this point, Eddie knows it as well as he knows his own. 

Eddie snorts. “Yeah, but you aren’t ‘most people,’ are you, Buck?” 

“I’m sure not.” Buck’s voice sounds warm and subdued. “And you gotta deal with it.” 

Eddie chuckles quietly as he listens to the mellow tone of Buck’s voice. Buck sounds like he was nearing sleep himself. Maybe he’ll go to sleep right after this phone call. But if he’s tired and needs to go to sleep, why call Eddie at all? 

“I, um . . .” Buck starts, as if he heard Eddie’s thoughts, “ . . . I actually wanted to call to check on you.”

“Check on me?” 

“Yeah. Because of what Christopher said this afternoon?”

_ Oh.  _ Eddie feels an ache in his stomach. It’s not really that surprising that Buck wants to ask about that. But, it’s still embarrassing. 

“It kinda caught me off guard,” Buck continues. “I didn’t expect him to ask you that.”

Eddie snorts. “ _ You  _ didn’t expect it? How do you think I feel?”

“That’s what I’m asking,” Buck says, a nervous laugh making his voice shake. “Are you okay?” 

Eddie hesitates, biting the inside of his cheek. 

“ . . . Define ‘okay,’” Eddie finally says. 

“ ‘Okay’ as in . . . not taking Christopher’s question to heart and beating yourself up about it,” Buck says slowly. 

Eddie startles at Buck’s answer. But, again, he really shouldn’t be surprised, should he? Buck knows Eddie better than anyone, so why wouldn’t he be able to guess Eddie’s reaction? Honestly, it’s uncanny, sometimes, the way Buck can know what Eddie’s thinking and feeling. 

“I mean, I kinda can’t help it,” Eddie confesses, dragging his free hand down his face. “It feels like every time he and I take a step forward,  _ I  _ end up doing something that pushes us back. I’m pretty sure I’m screwing my kid up for life.” 

“First of all, I think you’re doing just fine with Christopher. He loves you more than anything in this world,” Buck argues. 

Eddie smirks into his phone. “I mean, he likes  _ you _ , too, Buck. So, he might not be the best judge of character.” 

“Fuck off, Diaz.  _ Secondly _ , because of the fact that he loves you so much, Christopher’s  _ always _ going to want to know how you’re doing. You know how he is, Eddie.”

Eddie does know. Christopher’s sensitive, caring, and always wanting to help. It’s amazing that Eddie’s raising someone like Christopher. 

“But that’s part of the problem,” Eddie says with a heavy sigh. “I know he can sometimes feel like  _ he’s  _ responsible for  _ me.  _ I don't want him feeling like that, Buck. I don’t want  _ anyone _ feeling like that. I want him to be as carefree as possible, but I don’t know how to make him feel that way.”

Eddie can hear Buck moving around on his bed for a few moments. He imagines Buck sinking into his bed, trying to balance his phone as he gets more comfortable. There’s a part of Eddie that wants to tell Buck that he doesn’t have to stay up and listen to Eddie’s problems, but the selfish part of Eddie that needs to hear Buck’s words wins out. 

“Speaking as your childless friend,” Buck begins, drawing a smile from Eddie, “I have to say that I don’t think there’s much you can do to really change the worrying part. I think the most you can do is let him know that you guys have each other. You know, that you’re there for him and that he can be there for you.” 

“That kinda sounds like something Lena once said,” Eddie mumbles. It’s a pale memory, but Eddie can still see it; him, punching a bag, ranting about useless therapists while Lena smirked at him. 

“Oh, does it?” Buck’s voice goes totally flat. “Wow.”

Eddie grins, even though he’s sure he’s  _ not  _ supposed to be amused by the dissatisfaction in Buck’s voice.

“Don’t be like that,” Eddie says. “She’s not all that bad.” 

“And neither are you!” Buck says. “Look at that! We just came full circle!”

Eddie laughs and tosses an arm over his eyes. 

“Thanks, Buck. I actually needed that.” 

“Aw, any time. I’m always glad to offer my serv--”

Buck cuts himself off with a loud yawn. Eddie laughs, and even he can hear how close to delirious his laugh sounds.

“We should go to sleep,” Eddie says through his fit. 

“Yep, yeah, we should,” Buck says in a bleary voice. “See ya ‘morrow.” 

“See ya . . .” Eddie barely remembers to hang up the phone before getting under the covers. 

Far away in the back of his mind, Eddie thinks that it’s been a long time since he fell asleep while talking to someone on the phone. 

**

Eddie thinks of Buck when he wakes up. 

He hears Buck’s laugh — a quiet, faraway sound drifting in and out of Eddie’s mind. And hearing his laugh conjures up a picture of Buck’s smile, which reminds Eddie of Buck’s eyes and the way they light up when he talks to Christopher. 

And then Eddie thinks of the three of them in a park or the zoo, walking close together in their own little world. 

Eddie thinks of Buck, and then he thinks of the loud alarm that shatters the morning quiet and jolts him fully awake. And Eddie sits up straight, heart pounding as if he’s just had a nightmare. 

It takes Eddie a moment to finally settle down. And when he does, he’s left with the sound of LA traffic outside of his window and an uncomfortable feeling in his chest. 


	4. Chapter 4

Sometimes, the rest of the 118 are too busy to notice when something’s wrong.

The squad are the best friends Eddie has ever had. Eddie can’t remember being this close to his coworkers, not even when he was in the military. And they really do operate like they have one brain sometimes. But, as close as they are, they’re all adults with their own chaotic, weird lives to navigate. They can’t always notice every shift in Eddie’s behavior. 

Eddie uses that to his advantage. 

This morning, Eddie’s walking into work a little rumbled and dazed, still pondering the hazy thoughts he had when he was on the edge of sleep. When he walks in, Chimney and Hen are already in the middle of a convoluted conversation, and Bobby is on the phone, intensely focused on whatever conversation is being had. 

Eddie slips into the station, quickly walking past them into the locker room and heading straight for his locker. He only relaxes when he’s got his locker open wide enough for him to hide his face inside. Eddie closes his eyes, takes deep, steadying breaths. 

Eddie doesn’t even know what’s wrong with him. It’s not like he had an _explicit_ dream or anything like that. He had talked to Buck right before going to sleep, so it’s not even that weird for him to think of him when he woke up. 

Harping on it is what’s making it weird. He just had some disjointed thoughts right as he was waking up. There’s no harm in that at all, and Eddie is really just overreacting right now. He just needs to take a breath and get his shit together before he ends up embarrassing himself. 

Eddie hears someone walking into the locker room and straightens up. Shit, he really needs to act normal now. Because with his luck, it’ll probably be—

“Hey! You good, Eddie?”

_ Buck.  _

Eddie digs his work shirt out of his locker, reminding himself that he should be getting dressed right now.

“Hey! Yeah, I’m good,” Eddie replies without making eye contact. “You?”

“Eh, you know . . . I’m alive.” 

Eddie frowns. Buck sounds . . .  _ off _ somehow. Hesitant. Like he’s not sure if he should answer. Eddie peers at Buck and sees that he looks a little nervous, too. 

“You  _ sure _ you okay?” Eddie asks, slowly nudging his locker closed. 

“Yeah!” Buck says, but his voice cracks in the way that says “I’m  _ lying! _ ” Buck changes into his work shirt without looking at Eddie. “I’m good.” 

Eddie watches Buck skeptically, but he doesn’t push it. As much as Eddie wants to—as much as he wants to ask Buck a thousand and one questions right now—he can’t push it. It feels hypocritical to even try. 

They both finish getting dressed. Buck looks tense as he pulls his uniform on. Eddie pretends not to notice the way Buck’s fingers stumble over a button, or the way Buck’s jaw jumps every so often. Eddie tries to ignore the strangely awkward feeling in the air between them. He manages to not stare over in Buck’s direction. Eddie even manages to pretend that he’s being his regular self, and that there’s nothing wrong with the morning. 

He’d feel accomplished if he wasn’t feeling so confused. 

**

It takes most of the day, and a close call at an electrical fire, but Buck eventually starts acting like himself again. 

He ends up sitting close to Eddie like always, being smart-mouthed and goofy and weirdly inquisitive. The tense air dissipates, and they’re Buck and Eddie again, moving in tandem and sharing one brain. 

No one would ever know that there was ever a moment that they weren’t in sync. Eddie doesn’t even think about the morning. 

At least, he doesn’t until later, when he gives Buck a “see you later” hug and feels Buck startle under his arms. 

When Eddie pulls back to look at Buck’s face and check for any signs of pain, Buck gives him a crooked smile and mumbles his goodbyes. Then he’s gone before Eddie can ask any questions. 

Eddie walks to his truck alone, replaying the past 24 hours over and over again, combing through them to figure out what he did wrong. 

**

“Do I  _ have  _ to go with Carla today?”

Eddie frowns as he packs Christopher’s backpack. He looks over to see Christopher pouting as he sits on Eddie’s bed, watching Eddie with a pitiful look in his eye. 

“What’s wrong with going with Carla? I thought you guys had fun together.”

Christopher sighs, sounding way more weary than any 9-year-old kid should.

“We do,” Christopher admits, “ _ but  _ I wanna be with Buck!”

Eddie sighs. Yes, Christopher wants to go with Buck, because it’s been almost two weeks since he’s hung out with his Buck. 

Eddie and Buck have hung out way less than usual over the past two weeks. Truthfully, they haven’t hung out at all. It’s really just been a few brief phone calls and that’s it. Things are fine when they’re  _ at  _ work, especially when they’re on a call. But the moment the shift ends, Buck gets dodgy and fidgety and has a reason for not hanging out. Yesterday, when Eddie asked Buck to come over for dinner, Buck got a deer-in-headlights look and stammered out some excuse that didn’t make sense. 

Buck’s avoiding Eddie. He’s avoiding Eddie, and Eddie can’t even figure out why. 

But Eddie can’t tell any of that to Christopher. So, he just smiles at his son as pleasantly as he can. 

“We talked about this, mijo. Buck and I  _ both  _ have to work today,” Eddie says. “He can’t watch you all that much when we have to work.”

Christopher’s shoulders slump. “Why do you always have to work  _ so much _ ? Can’t they let you guys off?”

Eddie laughs. “You know, you never want to hang out with  _ me  _ this much. I’m starting to get jealous, kid.” 

“I  _ said _ I want  _ both  _ of you to be off!” Christopher says with a laugh. “Then we can hang out and stuff. But you guys always have work. And plus, you have to see your doctor friend now,” he adds in a mumble. 

Eddie flinches and instantly regrets doing so. It’s annoying enough that Eddie’s often had to spend his off days with Frank; the fact that Christopher’s bummed out about it makes it even worse. 

“I know,” Eddie says with a heavy sigh. “But I promise that we’re all going to spend the day together soon. Okay?” 

“Okay,” Christopher answers, but he looks skeptical. 

Rightfully so. Chris knows how his father’s schedule works by now, and it’s silly of Eddie to assume that he doesn’t. Chris is starting to get used to the disappointment. No kid should be used to being disappointed, but Eddie supposes it’s better than Christopher being shocked every time. 

But, again, that’s the consequence of Eddie not having his shit together; his kid is affected, too. If Eddie could somehow manage to be a decent father for more than a few weeks at a time, Christopher would enjoy his childhood more. 

“You okay, Dad?”

Eddie blinks at Christopher. He didn’t realize how deep into his thoughts was starting to dive until Christopher’s question pulled him back to surface.

“I’m fine, Chris. Why do you ask?”

Christopher narrows his eyes at Eddie for a moment. 

“You looked . . . mad and sad at the same time,” Christopher says. “It was kinda weird.” 

Eddie bites the inside of his cheek. Get. Your shit.  _ Together _ , Diaz. 

“I was just . . . thinking about boring work stuff,” Eddie says. “I’m okay.”

Christopher nods, seemingly satisfied with Eddie’s blatant lie. Eddie hands him his backpack and nods towards the door.

“Time to go, kid.”

**

The squad definitely notices Eddie today, and they seem to think something’s wrong with him. 

Eddie’s barely in the firehouse when Bobby stops him with a  _ look _ : barely-masked concern with a hint of distrust. 

“You okay there, Eddie?” Bobby asks. “You don’t look so good.” 

“I’m  _ fine _ ,” Eddie answers instantly. 

Because he  _ is  _ fine. He has no reason  _ not  _ to be fine. He’s just tired of everyone asking him that all the damn time. 

Bobby  _ doesn’t  _ believe him; Eddie can tell by the look on his face. But Bobby also doesn’t push it, which Eddie is grateful for. 

“Okay,” Bobby says. “But you know you can always talk to me about anything, right?”

It’s much more of a statement than a question, so Eddie nods. 

“Yeah, I know, Cap. Thanks.”

And Eddie snakes past Bobby before Bobby can say anything else. But Eddie doesn’t get far before Chimney is looking up from his newspaper and watching Eddie with a quirked eyebrow, and Hen is looking at him with a question on her face, and Eddie is really starting to wonder if he has a sign on his back that reads, “I’M A MESS. PLEASE ASK ME IF I’M OKAY.” 

Eddie makes a joke or two when Hen inevitably asks how his night was and he slips into the locker room as she laughs. 

When the siren blares as Eddie’s getting dressed, causing him to trip into his pants as he runs to the engine, he realizes that he hadn’t seen Buck come in at all. 

**

He doesn’t see Buck until he’s sitting next to him in the truck. 

Buck chatters for the whole ride like normal. He only goes quiet when they hit a pothole and his arm knocks into Eddie’s. 

Eddie looks at the spot where their arms touched and takes in Buck’s silence. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 9-1-1's coming back tonight! I can't wait for the emotional distress!

“You better have insurance, you bitch!”

“Ma’am,  _ please _ \--”

“Fuck you! This is your  _ fault,  _ you dizzy asshole!” 

“You wanna say to  _ my face,  _ you  _ bum _ !”

Eddie’s gotta say that this is one of the more interesting accidents they’ve responded to. 

A Mini Cooper somehow managed to drive into the back of an ice cream truck. No, not the “back of” as in the back fender or tail light. “Back of” as in “inside of the ice cream truck’s open doors, nearly hitting the ice cream lady, destroying equipment, and leaving the Mini Cooper’s front end damaged and covered in melted ice cream.” 

The crash has led to a fistfight between the ice cream lady and a very rich, very agitated woman while her two brown teacup poodles bark from the backseat. 

Eddie and Buck get stuck with separating Rich Lady and Ice Cream while Hen, Chimney and Bobby try to assess the car. Chimney gets to gleefully rescue the tiny poodles, and Eddie almost hates how happy he looks as he cuddles the excited dogs. 

“It’s okay,” Chimney coos to them as he walks down the ramp of the ice cream truck. “I gotcha, little guys.” 

Rich Lady keeps straining against Eddie’s grasp because she wants to reach over Buck’s shoulder and pull Ice Cream Lady’s hair, and Eddie just wants to go  _ home _ , okay? He wants to go home and sleep and not wake up until shit like  _ this  _ stops happening. Eddie wants to go home and close his eyes and try to figure out exactly how he ended up here at this point in his life, trying to break up a fight between a lady slinging ice cream to help pay the bills and a woman who hasn't had a day job in literal years. 

Buck cranes his neck to look over at Eddie, tossing him a look that’s landing somewhere between a stifled laugh and a grimace. And as annoyed as Eddie is, he can’t ignore the way his heartbeat kicks up when he and Buck make eye contact. 

Hen and Bobby walk out of the back of the ice cream, both still looking very confused.

“Yeah, that car isn’t . . . in the best shape,” Hen says gently. 

“But, there’s no fire danger!” Bobby adds in a lighter tone. “And it looks like the truck didn’t take as much internal damage as it could’ve.” 

Ice Cream Lady stops struggling in Buck’s arms and faces Bobby and Hen. 

“What about my ice cream?” she demands. “Can I salvage anything in there??” 

Hen and Bobby look at each other with a grimace before facing Ice Cream Lady again.

“Um, you’re probably going to restock,” Hen answers. 

Ice Cream Lady groans loudly and suddenly slumps over in Buck’s arms, her jet black hair falling down around her face. 

“I fucking  _ hate my life! _ ” she yells as Buck awkwardly holds her. “This is such bullshit.” 

“Well, maybe next time you won’t leave your doors open and your ramp down!” Rich Lady yells over to her. 

Ice Cream Lady suddenly stands up, causing her back to crash into Buck’s chest. Eddie can hear Buck’s soft “Oof!” as Ice Cream Lady’s rage-fueled movement knocks the air out of him.

“Bitch, maybe next time you’ll attention to where the fuck you’re driving!” Ice Cream Lady shouts, twists her neck to face them. Her tan face is bright red as she screams. “How the fuck did you  _ not  _ see me? Were you too busy talking to those dumb ass dogs?!” 

“Hey, now,” Chimney says in a calm tone, “these little fellas don’t have anything to do with this.”

The entire squad turns and stares at Chimney. Chimney just blinks at them.

“What?” he asks innocently. “They don’t!” 

A moment of incredulity lingers in the air. Then Buck looks towards Bobby with a tired, bewildered look on his face. 

“Hey, Bobby? Where’s police?” Buck asks. “What’s taking them so long?” 

As if summoned by Buck’s question, four squad cars pull up and park haphazardly around them. Officers start filing out, and relief courses through Eddie.

“ _ Finally _ ,” he mutters. Eddie lets go of Rich Lady, who immediately flips her dirty-blonde hair and starts smoothing out her shirt.

“This is  _ Chanel _ , and you  _ wrinkled it! _ ” she snaps at Eddie. “Now it’ll never wear the same!” 

Eddie stares at her. Another wave of “I DON’T WANT TO FUCKING BE HERE” crashes over him.

“Ma’am, you just broke your  _ car _ ,” Eddie replies. “ _ And  _ an ice cream truck. You’ve got other stuff to be worried about.” 

Rich Lady gapes at Eddie, seemingly appalled that he’d have the audacity to respond. And honestly, Eddie is fully prepared to go back and forth with this woman until Buck steps between them. One of Buck’s hands lands on Eddie’s waist as he navigates them away from Rich Lady. 

“Time to go!” Buck says, leading Eddie to the fire truck.

“Oh, thank God,” Eddie mumbles, but he barely pays attention to the words coming out of his own mouth. He’s entirely too focused on the feeling of Buck’s hand on his still on his waist. 

“Chimney!” Bobby yells. “Please give the pups to the officers!” 

Eddie and Buck look over to see Chimney pouting as he hands the poodles over. Eddie barely keeps from laughing as Chimney dejectedly walks to the truck. 

“Hey, Chim,” Buck says, “you know Maddie’s been thinking about getting a dog, right?”

Chimney immediately perks up and looks at Buck with renewed brightness in his eyes. 

“ _ Really _ ?” Chimney asks hopefully. 

Buck nods. “Yep. I’m surprised you guys don’t already have one, actually.” 

“Huh,” Chimney says, and he walks a little faster, leaving Eddie and Buck alone as he undoubtedly begins to formulate his plan. 

“I think you’ve caused a problem, Buck,” Eddie says quietly. Buck’s hand is  _ still  _ there, and Eddie’s confused about why that’s such a big deal to him.

Buck glances at Eddie’s face. Then he moves his hand, pulling it back from Eddie’s waist in an awkward, jerky motion. Buck laughs nervously, and his gaze repeatedly bounces from down at the ground to back up to Eddie’s face. 

“Nah, Maddie really does want a dog. She mentioned it to me a few days ago,” Buck says. “I think it’d be nice if they had one.”

Eddie nods. There’s a question desperate to escape Eddie’s mouth, and he’s trying so hard to bite his tongue. But he glances at Buck again and sees Buck’s small smile, and the question rushes out before Eddie’s better judgement can kick in. 

“So, is that what you’ve been up to lately? Hanging out with Maddie?”

Buck blinks; he looks like he’s been caught red handed. Eddie instantly regrets asking. Who does he think he is, anyway? What makes him think he can question where Buck is,  _ especially  _ if Buck is spending time with his actual family member? 

Why is Eddie so concerned about it, anyway?

Buck nods, and his eyes dart towards the ground again. 

“Yeah, yeah. She’s been making me do Buckley night,” he says. “Other than that, I’ve just been going home and crashing. I’m, uh . . . I know I’ve been a little antisocial . . . Sorry about that . . .”

“No, no, it’s cool!” Eddie stammers. “I shouldn’t have asked anyway.” 

“I mean, I  _ totally _ get it if you’ve missed me, Eddie,” Buck says, his tone sounding closer to playful now.

Eddie rolls his eyes and waves a hand at Buck. “Whatever.” 

And, since he can’t leave well enough alone and apparently isn’t thinking too hard, Eddie adds, “Christopher’s the one who misses you.”

Buck frowns at that, and his eyes dim as he looks back up at Eddie. 

Eddie’s just going to keep putting his foot into his mouth, isn’t he? Why would he bring up Christopher? Now it looks like Eddie’s trying to use Christopher against Buck. Eddie’s done that before, in the heat of a moment he’s not necessarily proud of. They’re supposed to be past that. Or, Eddie is, at least. 

“That didn’t come out the way I meant it too—”

“I miss him, too,” Buck admits, his cheeks tinted red. “A lot, actually.”

“Oh.” 

They go quiet. Eddie looks over to the engine and sees Chimney and Hen sitting inside, talking animatedly. Bobby’s standing outside the truck, rolling his eyes and laughing at whatever is coming out of Chimney’s mouth. 

_ They’re waiting on us _ , Eddie thinks. Well,  _ of course _ they’re waiting. It’s not like they’re going to leave Eddie and Buck alone out here. But their waiting makes Eddie more conscious of just how slow he and Buck are walking, and how quiet they’re being. And the squad definitely has to notice that, right? They’re probably wondering what the hell Eddie and Buck are doing and why they’re holding everyone up—

“Do you guys wanna come over for dinner tonight?” 

Buck’s sudden question jolts Eddie out of his thoughts. It takes a few seconds for Eddie to process what Buck has asked. Dinner, tonight. Presumably, because he wants to hang out with them. 

“You’re not just asking me because I guilt-tripped you, are you?” Eddie asks skeptically. 

Buck laughs, his voice steadier now. 

“ _ No _ , I’m not. Like I said, I’ve missed you guys.” 

“Oh, okay then.” Eddie’s voice cracks like a hormonal teenager’s might. “Yeah, we can do that.” 

Why is this conversation so hard to have? It’s just dinner. 

Buck doesn’t say anything about it. He just nods and smiles again. 

**

Christopher is the happiest he’s been in two weeks. 

He talks through the whole dinner, filling Buck in on school and Abuela and Pepa and Carla. Eddie and Buck both listen and laugh, and Eddie tries not to flinch when he realizes that he doesn’t recognize some of the stories Christopher’s telling Buck. 

Christopher’s telling Buck things that he hadn’t told Eddie. Or, that he’s telling Buck things he  _ has  _ told Eddie, but Eddie’s forgotten them already. Eddie watches them talk, and sees the way both of their faces glow, and he feels a pang in his chest. 

Eddie doesn’t let it show. He makes sure of it. He just keeps smiling and laughing. 

After dinner, Buck convinces Eddie to take off his responsible adult hat and watch a couple of movies before they go home. 

“We’ve got a late shift tomorrow,” Buck says in an easy tone. “What’s the harm in it?” 

Eddie should say no, because Christopher has a bedtime and Eddie has therapy before work tomorrow. But Christopher and Buck hit Eddie with twin pairs of puppy dog eyes, and responsibility is the last thing on Eddie’s mind. 

So, they end up in Buck’s living room, Christopher cradling a big bowl of ice cream as he watches Lego Batman. 

Eddie and Buck sit close, their bodies loose, Buck’s arm stretched out behind Eddie’s back. It feels familiar to Eddie, but it should; they’ve sat like this a thousand times before. Personal space has always had a different meaning when it came to him and Buck. Buck’s tactile, and Eddie’s gotten comfortable with that. He’s gotten  _ used to it.  _

That’s probably why Eddie’s been so bothered by Buck’s absence. He’d gotten used to something, and it was gone. It makes sense. 

Christopher starts humming along to the movie. Eddie looks over and just watches Christopher for a while. Christopher catches Eddie staring and grins at him, waving his spoon as a greeting before turning his attention back to the t.v. screen. 

Eddie can’t help but smile as he watches his son devour the bowl of ice cream Buck made for him. Chris keeps humming happily to himself as he snuggles into Buck’s arm chair with a blanket Buck gave him thrown over his legs. He looks so satisfied that Eddie almost wants to take a picture of him. 

Eddie watches Chris, and he marvels at how comfortable he looks, and how natural it seems for Christopher in Buck’s space like this. It’s not that surprising, considering all he and Buck have been through together. And it’s not a bad thing by any means. 

But Eddie can’t help but wonder about it. There’s a part of Eddie that wonders if he should be concerned that there’s something Buck’s giving that Eddie cannot. And then there’s the part of Eddie that tells him he should shut up and be grateful. Buck’s  _ here _ , and he loves your kid and wants to make him comfortable and happy. Buck’s  _ good at  _ making your kid comfortable and happy. 

Christopher deserves someone who can at least make him feel happy. And there’s really no telling how long  _ this _ will last, right? Might as well not question it too much. 

Christopher suddenly laughs very loudly at the movie, his giggles ringing in Eddie’s ears. Eddie groans quietly and rubs his eyes. 

“He’s  _ so _ not going to sleep tonight,” Eddie tells Buck. “This is your fault.” 

Buck dismissively waves a hand at Eddie. 

“Eh, he’ll crash before he even gets home,” Buck says languidly. “It’ll be fine.”

Eddie cuts his eyes at Buck. “So, then it’ll be hard to wake him up tomorrow. Great.”

“Hey, I’ll come help if you need it,” Buck says. “I can be an annoying alarm clock if necessary.” 

“I almost want to take you up on that offer. But I already know you’d spend more time annoying  _ me  _ than him.”

Buck gasps and dramatically puts his hand on his chest. 

“I think I’m offended by that, Eddie. I’ve been  _ nothing  _ but helpful to you, sir. You couldn’t function without me.”

The truth of that statement nearly trips Eddie up; he almost forgets that they’re joking with each other right now. But Eddie manages to mask the moment with a smirk. 

“We got different definitions of ‘helpful.’ He’s gonna be a log, and I’m gonna be yawning in Frank’s face tomorrow.” 

Buck’s eyes dim again, the same they had earlier in the day. Buck glances over to Christopher, and Eddie kicks himself for taking away some of that silliness. 

Eddie risks a glance at Christopher. Thankfully, he’s too engrossed in whatever Batman is doing to notice Eddie and Buck. 

“Wanna talk about  _ that  _ later?” Buck says quietly. 

No, not really. Eddie never wants to talk about that. But he knows that isn’t an option.

Eddie nods. It’s a small motion, but it’s good enough for Buck. Buck smiles and nods back. 

Christopher suddenly yawns loudly, raising a hand to cover his mouth. Buck points at him and gives Eddie a very smug grin.

“ _ See _ ,” Buck says, “I told you.”

Eddie scoffs at Buck before turning to face Christopher. 

“You tired, Chris?” he asks. “Ready to go?”

“ _ No _ , sir,” Christopher says pleadingly, but he yawns again before he can say anything else. 

“Yep, time to go home,” Eddie says decisively. 

Christopher pouts, but he puts his bowl down on the table and takes the blanket off of his legs. Eddie pushes himself off of the couch and stretches. It feels like every one of his muscles is fighting him, begging for him to just sit back down and pass out. 

“Getting a little old, huh, Eddie?” Buck mumbles playfully.

Eddie whips around to glower at Buck, and he just barely stops himself from cursing in front of Christopher. 

“Shut up,” Eddie mutters. 

Christopher folds the blanket as neatly as possible and gently places it in the chair. Then he walks over to Eddie, a frown still on his face. 

“When can we come back, Buck?” Christopher asks in a soft voice. 

Eddie feels that jolt in his heart again. _Christopher would_ _rather be here. Christopher is_ _happier here._ Eddie forces those thoughts to the back of his mind. He’s being dramatic, is all. It’s not that big of a deal. 

“Well, me and your dad both work until pretty late tomorrow night,” Buck says softly. “ _ But  _ you guys can come over Friday, if you want.” Buck looks right at Eddie, his eyes fixing on Eddie’s. 

“Yeah, sure, that works,” Eddie says hurriedly. He pulls Christopher and starts ushering him to the door. “So, see you tomorrow?”

Buck smiles, his eyelids low as he watches Eddie. 

“Yeah, see ya tomorrow.” 

Christopher twists around in Eddie’s arms and gives Buck a wide, goofy grin.

“Byeeee, Buck!”

Buck chuckles, a warm, low sound coming from his chest.

“Bye, buddy! See you later.” 


	6. Chapter 6

Eddie doesn’t sleep. 

He tosses and turns all night, frustrated as the minutes and hours tick by. Eddie can’t get comfortable in his own bed; it feels both too soft and too hard at the same time, and his body can’t adjust. How can Eddie feel  _ this  _ tired—bone tired, soul-crushingly tired—and yet be wide awake? 

There’s a feeling in the pit of Eddie’s stomach. He can’t describe it; he certainly can’t name it. But it spreads throughout the night, reaching up through Eddie’s chest and into his throat. Eddie remembers the feeling of anxiety or panic, but this feels new, somehow. He feels untethered and restless.

He’s thinking of Buck.  _ Again.  _

It’s the dinner. Eddie keeps replaying it in his mind. It went _fine._ Christopher was happy, Buck was cool, and Eddie didn’t have to cook anything. There’s no reason for Eddie to dwell on it this much. It was fine. Feeling any other way about it is asinine. 

Eddie turns over again, forcefully pushing himself until he’s curled up on his side. He slams his eyes shut, but sleep doesn’t even feel like a possibility right now. 

Is he really  _ this  _ preoccupied with Buck? These past few weeks, Eddie has caught himself thinking of Buck more and more. What the fuck is his problem? He hasn’t  _ always _ been like this with Buck, has he? 

Part of this is Buck’s fault, though.  _ Buck’s  _ the one who had been acting weird for the past couple of weeks, seemingly with no explanation at all, only for him to be himself again tonight. Buck said he’s been antisocial, but he didn’t tell Eddie  _ why _ . How could Eddie  _ not  _ wonder about it? 

Eddie flops onto his back, growling with frustration. What does it say about Eddie that his best friend is keeping him up at night? Does Eddie even  _ want  _ to know? 

No. He doesn’t. Right now, all Eddie wants to do is go to sleep. He wants to completely empty his mind and go to sleep. Is that really too much to ask? 

**

Frank asks how Eddie is doing, and Eddie responds with a strong yawn. 

“Long night, then?” Frank asks with a chuckle. 

Eddie ducks his head and his face burns. This is all Buck’s fault. 

“Yeah, yeah,” Eddie responds. “I, um, had a hard time falling asleep.” 

“Do you mind if I ask what kept you up?” Frank asks in the most polite tone Eddie’s ever heard. 

Eddie bites his lower lip. He knows there’s no point in lying to Frank, but he has no idea as to how he’s going to phrase this. Eddie doesn’t want it to sound like more than it is.

“Christopher and I went over to Buck’s last night and said a little longer than we should’ve had,” Eddie says carefully. “I guess I just had a little bit of a hard time settling down afterwards.”

“ ‘Buck’ as in Evan Buckley, right?” Frank asks. “How is he doing? He’s been back on the team for a while now, hasn’t he? ” 

Eddie nods. It’s odd hearing Frank say Buck’s full name like that. It’s a little uncomfortable, for some reason. 

“Yes, Evan Buckley. He’s been active again for some months now. And he’s good. I’ll let him know you asked about him.” 

Frank smiles and nods, but he has a contemplative expression on his face. 

“Do you see Buck often? Outside of work and all that, I mean.” 

Eddie shrugs. “Pretty often, yeah. He’s my best friend. We hang out a lot outside of work. And Buck babysits Christopher whenever he can.” 

“So, Christopher and Buck are pretty close, too?” 

Christopher and  _ his Buck.  _ Eddie chuckles at the thought. 

“They are,” Eddie says fondly. 

But then, Eddie has another thought: Buck, dirty, bruised, cut and bleeding, tripping over his words as he tries to explain what happened to Christopher. Eddie’s heart stopping in his chest, his eyes burning with tears. 

Eddie’s mood darkens, and he shifts around in his seat. 

“They’ve always been really close,” Eddie says, looking at the gray carpet beneath his feet, “but they’ve been a lot closer since the tsunami, so . . .”

“The tsunami?” Frank asks gently.

Eddie grits his teeth. He feels all of the hurt and confusion and fear he felt that day. He shouldn’t have brought it up. 

“They were on the pier together that day, and they went through  _ that  _ together,” Eddie answers hastily. “They . . . they bonded a lot because of it, I think.” 

“I see,” Frank says quietly. “That must’ve been pretty hard for you guys.”

Eddie laughs grimly. “That’s a fucking understatement.” 

Frank looks at him with surprise. Eddie realizes what he’s just said and bites down on his tongue.

“Sorry!” Eddie says. “I don’t mean to curse like that.” 

“You can curse as much as you want, Eddie,” Frank says kindly. “I’m not judging.” 

“Okay,” Eddie mumbles. 

They sit in silence for a few moments. Eddie finds himself staring a hole into the floor again; the tsunami—that moment right before Eddie saw Christopher—keeps replaying in Eddie’s mind. He remembers the panic he felt so clearly. There was panic, and grief, and  _ anger _ . It was only for a moment, but Eddie felt so angry at Buck he couldn’t see straight. And then they saw Christopher, and all Eddie could feel was relief and joy and  _ love,  _ so much love. 

But Buck was bleeding, and then he was collapsing into Bobby and Hen’s arms, and Eddie had to watch him fall. And it was just too much, it was too fucking much.

It’s still too much. All these months later, it’s still too much. 

Eddie’s got a thousand different emotions battling inside of him, and Frank seems content to let him sit with them. But then Frank furrows his brow and raises a finger to get Eddie’s attention again.

“Can we go back to last night? To your dinner with Buck?”

Eddie looks up at Frank and nods. “Yeah, sure. What about it?” 

“Did anything happen while you guys were over there?”

Eddie frowns. His shoulders suddenly feel tight, and he finds himself blinking at Frank. 

“What do you mean?”

“You know . . . anything that might’ve bothered you?” Frank asks carefully. “Or, maybe made you uncomfortable in some way?” 

“No,” Eddie says instantly. “No. We just had dinner and watched a couple of movies.” 

Except—Eddie thinks of watching Buck and Christopher talk again. He remembers the feeling in his chest as he watched Christopher’s face spread into a grin. 

But that was a stupid feeling. It was jealous and petty and ridiculous. He  _ knows _ he should be grateful for Buck and Christopher’s relationship. Eddie doesn’t even think it’s worth bringing up. 

“Are you sure?”

Eddie sighs in frustration. “ _ Yes _ . Why do you ask?” 

“Well, Eddie,” Frank says slowly, “you’ve been very tense the entire time we’ve been talking about Buck.” 

“ . . . You think so?” 

Except that’s a dumb ass question, because  _ yes _ , Eddie is very visibly tense. He feels rigid all over, his jaw has twitched at least once, and he’s barely stopping his leg from bouncing. Frank’s not blind nor is he dumb, so how  _ wouldn’t  _ he notice? 

“Yeah, Eddie,” Frank continues. “You seem very agitated and uncomfortable whenever I mention him. So, I wonder if maybe something happened between you two?” 

Eddie just looks at Frank for a moment, pinned by the question. There’s nothing, really; Eddie could say that, and he wouldn’t be lying. At least, it should  _ be  _ nothing.

But . . .

“We had—I mean, there were a couple of weeks where we didn’t really talk,” Eddie says.

Frank gives Eddie a surprised look. “You guys didn’t talk  _ at all _ ?” 

“I mean, we  _ talked _ —we had to, at work. But we didn’t hang out or anything,” Eddie says. “Like, I didn’t see him at all after work, and we really only talked on the phone like once for a few minutes.”

“And that’s unusual for you guys, right?”

“Yeah, it’s unusual.”

“And it  _ bothers  _ you.” Frank looks at Eddie expectantly, like he’s simply waiting on Eddie to confirm what he already knows. 

“ _ Yes _ ,” Eddie admits. “It bothers me.” 

And saying  _ that  _ aloud seems to unplug something in Eddie, because he suddenly keeps talking, unable to stop himself. 

“I mean, it’s bugging the hell out of me. Honestly, it feels like he was trying to avoid me, because whenever I would ask to hang out he’d come up with some reason not to. And I ended up accidentally using  _ Chris  _ to guilt-trip Buck into hanging out, and that was just weird, and I didn’t expect myself to do anything like  _ that _ ever again—”

“Whoa, whoa, slow down there,” Frank says good-naturedly. “Let’s back up for a second, okay?” 

Eddie’s face burns, and he nods mutely. 

“You said you thought Buck was avoiding you for a couple of weeks, right? Because you guys weren’t hanging out at all?”

“Yeah,” Eddie confirms with a sigh. 

“Were you able to address that with him?”

“Kind of. I mean, I mentioned it to him yesterday while we were on a call. He just told me that he’d either been hanging out with Maddie or staying at home.”

“And you didn’t believe him?” Frank asks carefully.

Eddie stalls for a second.  _ Does  _ Eddie believe Buck? Eddie doesn’t think Buck would outright lie to him about what he was doing. But then again, they’ve  _ both _ been doing things that the other wouldn’t think they’d do. 

“It’s not that I don’t  _ believe  _ him,” Eddie says. “It’s that it’s  _ unlike  _ him. Because I know that even  _ if  _ Buck was just sitting at home doing nothing, he still would’ve invited me over to do nothing  _ with  _ him, you know? We’ve always just . . . we’ve never needed to find a reason to see each other. We just . . . always have. You know what I mean?”

“I hear you,” Frank says. “I get what you’re saying.” 

Eddie takes a shaky breath and continues. “And the fact that he didn’t seem to want to see me for a while, but was acting normal last night . . . I just can’t stop wondering what I did wrong.”

Frank frowns at Eddie’s words. “But, why do you assume that  _ you  _ did something wrong?” he asks. 

Eddie shrugs. He’s starting to feel exhausted, and he feels a spike of irritation. 

“Why  _ else  _ would he have been avoiding me?” Eddie challenges. “I  _ had  _ to have done something wrong.” 

“Not necessarily,” Frank retorts. “It’s entirely possible that Buck was avoiding spending more time with you because of something  _ he  _ has to work out.” 

“Well, if that’s true, why wouldn’t he just  _ talk  _ to me about it?” Eddie asks, his voice full of exasperation. 

“ _ That’s  _ what you need to ask him,” Frank answers. “To me, it sounds like you two are due for a real talk about your relationship.” 

Eddie sighs again, and it feels like his whole body deflates this time. He rubs his eyes as Frank’s words sink in.

“Yeah, I know we are,” Eddie admits. “You’re right.”

“Thank you for acknowledging that,” Frank says with a smile.

Eddie snorts and rolls his eyes. “No problem.” 

The alarm on Frank’s phone starts ringing. Thank God, this session is finally over. 

Eddie stands up from his chair. He’s got an hour to sort his brain out before he has to go to work. He’s about to say his good-byes when Frank holds a finger up at him.

“One more really quick question before you go?”

Damn it. Eddie was almost free.

“Yeah, Frank?”

“Do you think that there might be more to you and Buck’s relationship than we’ve talked about?”

Eddie reels back from Frank, staring at him as if he’s grown another head. His stomach drops, but he can’t, for the life of him, understand why. 

“What do you mean ‘more?’” Eddie demands. “We’re—we’re  _ friends.  _ What else is there?” 

“It’s just something to think about,” Frank says pleasantly. “We can talk more about it another time.” 

“Um . . . okay,” Eddie says, even though he feels the furthest thing from it. “Yeah, we can do that.” 


	7. Chapter 7

Eddie’s late for his shift. 

Eddie has no legitimate reason for being late. His session with Frank ended ontime, and Eddie had plenty of time to get ready for work. But it was entirely too easy for Eddie to lose track of time as he sat in his car and stared into space, trying to reorient himself. 

He tries to rush into the firehouse with his head ducked. But he doesn’t even make it past the first engine before Hen is calling out to him.

“ _ There  _ you are,” Hen says. “We were looking for you.” 

Eddie reluctantly turns around to face her. Of course, Buck is standing right next to her, watching Eddie with a worried look on his face. 

“I had an errand to run that got a little behind,” Eddie lies. “Did I miss anything fun?”

Hen chuckles and shakes her head. Buck’s expression doesn’t change, though. The look in his eyes makes Eddie’s stomach twist. 

“No, not really,” Hen says. “I just got my first piece of homework from Denny that left me completely stumped. And so far, no one here has been any help, either.”

“Oh, I suck with homework, too,” Eddie says, forcing himself to laugh. “Chris would probably be failing if it weren’t for Carla.” 

“I don’t think you’re  _ that  _ bad,” Buck interjects. His tone is light, but the look in his eyes still doesn’t change at all, and it makes Eddie want to squirm. 

“Trust me,” Eddie says, his smile growing tight. “I am.” 

Hen’s phone rings, and the noise interrupts the potentially awkward moment.

“Uh oh, it’s the wife! I might be in trouble,” Hen says with a smile. 

Hen excuses herself to answer Karen’s call. Eddie watches her walk away for as long as he can, trying his hardest to avoid Buck’s eyes. But eventually, Hen is around a corner, and Eddie has no choice but to look at Buck. 

Buck’s still giving Eddie that worried stare. He nods his head towards the locker room. 

“You wanna talk really quick?” Buck asks. “We can talk while you get ready?” 

_ No,  _ especially not now _.  _ Talking sounds like the most tiring chore in the world. But Eddie looks at Buck and nods. He follows Buck to the locker room, and he swears he feels someone watching them as they go. 

Buck lets Eddie walk in and goe to his locker before closing the door behind them. 

“So, what happened with Frank?” Buck asks. “How’d it go?”

Eddie snorts as he throws his bag into his locker. He can’t make himself look at Buck, so he preoccupies himself with his uniform. 

“Fucking terrible as always,” Eddie says bitterly. He roughly yanks his shirt over his head and tosses it in, pulling his work shirt on. 

“What happened? What’d he say to you?” Buck presses. 

Eddie looks down, intently focused on buttoning his shirt. 

“I mean, he asked how I was doing, what’d I been up to,” Eddie says. “Stuff like that.”

“Then, what made it so terrible?” Buck asks, sounding very confused. 

Eddie glances up at Buck for half a second before staring at the floor again.

“You know I just hate therapy,” Eddie mumbles. “It’s always bad.” 

Eddie can feel Buck staring at him. He’s being childish—he fully knows that. Frank had explicitly told Eddie that he and Buck needed to talk, and Eddie had agreed, but now he’s doing the exact opposite. 

Maybe  _ this  _ is why Eddie can’t get better; he’s too much of a coward to do what Frank tells him to do. 

Buck walks over to Eddie and leans against the locker right next to him. Eddie can feel Buck’s body heat. Funny enough, it makes Eddie shiver.

“Are you lying to me, Eddie?” Buck asks. “And if you are, why?” 

Eddie finally looks at Buck. There’s no use in beating around the bush now. 

“We . . . mostly talked about you,” Eddie confesses. “Me, you and Christopher.” 

Buck blinks, and he has that same deer-in-headlights look he’s been wearing a lot lately. 

“ _ Me _ ? Really? Like . . . seriously?” 

Eddie looks back down, choosing to focus on putting his work pants on and not on the bewildered look on Buck’s face. 

“Yeah. I told Frank we had dinner last night, and he ended up asking me a bunch of questions about it,” Eddie says. 

“What kind of questions? What did he want to know?” Buck’s starting to sound panicked as he questions Eddie. “Like, what  _ exactly  _ did you guys talk about?” 

Eddie stands up straight and looks Buck fully in the face. 

“See,  _ this  _ is why I didn’t want to tell you,” Eddie says, “because I didn’t want to freak you out. I wanted to avoid  _ this  _ reaction.”

“I’m sorry!” Buck stammers. “I mean, I don’t want you to  _ not  _ talk to me, or anything. I’m just a little . . . surprised, I guess?” 

Eddie looks at Buck through narrowed eyes. “ _ Surprised _ ?”

The tips of Buck's ears turn pink and he cringes.

“I’m hoping I haven’t, like, traumatized you or anything?” Buck says sheepishly. “Like, I’m hoping you didn’t have to tell Frank some horror story about me.” 

“Actually, I told Frank that you were the worst thing that’s ever happened to my life,” Eddie deadpans. “Meant every word of it, too.” 

Buck lets out a startled laugh, and the sound of it makes Eddie laugh, too. 

“That bad, huh?” Buck says. He bites his lip and shrugs. “At least I know now.” 

Buck looks at Eddie with a shy expression, and the timid look is enough to make Eddie’s breath hitch. 

“Yeah, that bad,” he says, his voice bordering on breathless. 

Eddie abruptly turns back to his locker, groping around for something he doesn’t need. He uses the moment to try to recompose himself. Eddie’s nerves suddenly feel shattered, and his heart is pounding. What’s happening to him?

“You didn’t make me sound  _ too  _ bad, did you?” Buck asks. “I want Frank to still think nice things about me, you know.”

“Well,” Eddie says, slowly pulling away from his locker, “I  _ did  _ tell him that you ghosted me for almost two weeks. He was kind of curious about  _ that. _ ”

Eddie says it jokingly, but he can still feel Buck go tense beside him. Eddie looks over to Buck to see his face reddening. 

“I’m still sorry about that,” Buck says. “I think I was just . . . in my head about work and stuff.” 

Eddie nods, but he can hear scraps of his conversation with Frank in his mind.  _ Why wouldn’t he just talk to me about it? _

“What kind of stuff?” 

“It’s nothing important,” Buck says dismissively. “It doesn’t matter.” 

Buck’s not telling the truth; Eddie  _ knows  _ he’s not telling the truth. What did Eddie do to make Buck want to lie to him? 

The siren blares, making both Eddie and Buck jump. 

“Duty calls!” Buck says, and he rushes out of the locker room.

“Yeah, it does,” Eddie mumbles to himself as he follows suit. 

“Five-car accident!” Bobby yells at the squad. “On the expressway, no less.”

Eddie groans as he and the rest of the squad gear up.

“This is gonna  _ suck _ ,” he grumbles.

“That, it will,” Chimney agrees with a grimace.

“It’s not the  _ worst _ thing we’ve dealt with,” Buck says. 

“That’s not really saying all that much,” Bobby says as he climbs into the truck. “Besides, we won’t know how bad it is until we get there.”

“That’s reassuring,” Eddie mutters flatly, pulling himself into the truck. 

Buck barks out a laugh as he follows Eddie. They sit down and strap themselves in, and Eddie tries to mentally prepare himself for the call. Before Eddie can put his headset on, Buck touches his arm.

“Hey, you and Chris still want to come over tomorrow?” Buck asks in a low voice. 

Eddie squints at Buck, completely thrown off by the sudden question.

“Um, yeah, yeah,” Eddie says.

Buck flashes him a smile and puts his headset on.

“Okay,” Buck mouths to Eddie. Then he turns around and faces forward.

Eddie does the same, turning around with a puzzled look on his face. But when he faces forward, he’s met with Hen’s gaze. She watches him with a quirked eyebrow and a faint smile. 

**

To her credit, Hen doesn’t ask Eddie about it until way later, when they’re all lounging about the firehouse, calmly waiting for the next catastrophe to strike. 

“So, Eddie,” Hen says as she slides next to him on the upstairs couch, “what’s been up with you and ole Buckaroo?” 

Eddie rolls his eyes and sinks into the couch. 

“The same thing that’s  _ always  _ up with us?” Eddie tries, giving Hen a weak glare. 

Hen cuts her eyes at him. “You know, for some reason, I feel like that’s not true, Eddie.” 

_ Something more  _ . . . Frank’s voice starts to ring in Eddie’s ears again. Eddie shrugs at Hen, pushing Frank’s question to the back of his mind. 

“I don’t know why you’d feel that way.”

“Yeah, sure you don’t,” Hen says, but she chuckles sweetly. “I’m sure you’ll figure it out soon.” 

And Eddie waves his hand at her and pretends to brush her off as she laughs at him. He tells himself that Hen’s just being silly and picking at him like always. 

But then Eddie hears Buck’s loud laugh, the sound wafting up to his ears, and he feels his heart skip a beat. 


	8. Chapter 8

If Eddie is honest with himself, he can admit that he knows how he and Buck’s relationship might look. 

Eddie thinks about it much later that night, when they’re finally off duty, and Eddie has dragged himself home and gotten Christopher tucked into bed. It’s one of those thoughts that catches Eddie right as he’s getting out of the shower and slipping into his pajamas, when he’s still awake enough to form coherent thoughts, but too tired to examine them. 

Eddie gets it. He really does. If he were an outsider looking into Eddie and Buck’s relationship—the intimate nature of it—he would assume _something_ was up, too. Eddie thinks most men don’t have super close friendships like this. 

God knows Eddie didn’t have this type of friendship until he joined the 118. He was close with his Army buddies, but they weren’t the touchy-feely type of bunch. The 118 was very different in that way. Buck, Chimney and even Bobby suddenly wanted to pat Eddie on the shoulder, or gently tug on his shirt to get his attention, or carelessly sling an arm around Eddie’s shoulders for no real reason at all. 

Buck touches him more than Chimney and Bobby, though. Way more. 

But, Eddie’s thought through this already: Buck is tactile, Eddie is used to it. It’s just a part of their friendship. Nothing more. 

Touch is not something Eddie is disused to; his abuela and tías touched him all the time, kissing him on the cheek and shouting about how he’s grown, wrapping their arms around him as they showered him with “te amo” and “mi cariño.” 

It was the gentle touch from other _men_ that Eddie had to get used to. Ramon is a good man, and he would’ve never tried to _hurt_ Eddie, but he wasn’t exactly tender with Eddie, either. He was always a little rough with Eddie, no matter how much Helena and Abuela hated it. Eddie can’t imagine being as rough with Chris as Ramon was with Eddie, if he’s being honest. 

As he drifts off to sleep, Eddie wonders what Ramon would think of Buck. Buck didn’t get to meet Ramon when they were in town, with it being so soon after the explosion and Buck’s leg injury. Abuela and Pepa _love_ Buck, and Eddie will never understand how Buck so quickly conned his way into their hearts. Helena would probably say he’s “such a sweet boy” and be charmed by how much time Buck spends with Christopher. Miranda, Tisa and Evangeline would probably think Buck is hot. Eddie’s entirely certain that Miranda would slide Buck her phone number when she thought Eddie wasn’t looking. 

But what about Ramon? Would he think Buck is silly or immature? Would he see how hardworking and dedicated Buck is? Would he think Buck is _too_ soft?

Moreover, what would they think if they were to see Eddie and Buck _together_? Sitting close on the couch, leaning onto each other with wide grins, planning a day with Christopher together. 

How would _that_ change their opinions of Buck? Or of Eddie, for that matter? 

When Eddie was a junior in high school, he had a chemistry partner named DJ, who was a dark-skinned boy who wore bright blouses, tight jeans, and, on more than one occasion, bright red lipstick. Eddie remembers that he was smart, funny, loud and joyful, and he never let Eddie feel lost or confused during an experiment. That kid caught Hell every single day of school, but he never seemed to care about what any wannabe bully had to say. He still wore his lipstick and girl jeans, and he still strutted around their school with his head held high. 

Eddie really admired that about him. 

And Eddie kind of thinks that he could’ve been good friends with DJ if Eddie hadn’t noticed the way Ramon would grimace whenever he caught a glimpse of the kid, or if he hadn’t overheard Helena mutter, “That poor confused boy . . .” more than once. Or maybe it was the way Miranda would giggle and curve her wrist whenever Eddie said DJ’s name, ignoring Evangeline as she nudged her in the side with a stern _“Cut it out, Miranda.”_

Because, like DJ, Eddie never cared what other kids at school thought. But, he couldn’t _not_ care about what his family thought. And if DJ was odd and confused and a joke to them, what would that make Eddie for wanting to hang out with him? 

What would that make Eddie _now_ , when he’s a grown man who spends hours thinking about his best friend? 

Eddie knows what Ramon would think of Buck, he thinks drowsily. He knows exactly how that meeting would go. Ramon would shake Buck’s hand firmly, glad to meet one of Eddie’s fellow firefighters. Buck would talk about his job and how he didn’t even like Eddie at first, and Ramon would chuckle. He would actually really like Buck at first. 

But then Buck would nudge Eddie’s arm or grin in Eddie’s face or let his leg press against Eddie’s. And Ramon’s eyes would narrow, and he would chuckle nervously, giving Eddie a hard stare and wondering what kind of life his son is leading now. 

**

Friday’s a blur of small house fires and one particularly nasty scooter vs. pedestrian accident. The pedestrian in question happens to be dressed as a giant slice of pizza when he gets run over by a kid who was trying to TikTok and steer an electric scooter at the same time. 

“How could he _not_ fucking _see me_?” becomes the refrain for the call. 

Eddie, Buck, and Bobby cut part of his costume off so that Hen and Chimney can treat his wounds. Eddie looks over to Buck, who keeps glancing at Bobby. Buck and Bobby are both struggling to not laugh in his poor kid’s face as they work. 

When the kid’s on a stretcher and being loaded into the back of an ambulance, Buck lets a quick, strangled giggle out, and he immediately slaps his hand over his mouth afterwards. 

Eddie watches the way Buck’s eyes light up and the way his brows arch and he feels something shift in his chest. 

**

After work, Buck convinces Eddie to pick Christopher up and bring him over to Buck’s so they can finally have their Mario Kart tournament. Christopher wins of his own accord, and Buck is caught somewhere between proud and gobsmacked.

Eddie watches them from his spot in the love seat. He doesn’t interrupt them, or ask to tag in. He doesn’t say much of anything, really. Eddie just watches. There’s nothing he can add to them, anyway. 

Eddie watches Christopher’s face light up as Buck’s jaw drops, and he tries to ignore the feeling in the middle of his chest. It’s the same odd feeling from earlier in the way; it’s a small movement, something unfurling itself inside of Eddie. Eddie tries to ignore the feeling even as it grows into a flame, becoming hotter and hotter, burning him up inside. 

At the end of the night, when it’s time for them to go, Eddie is hot all over and uncomfortable in his own skin. Buck hugs him good-bye, and it takes all of Eddie’s will power not to writhe out of Buck’s grasp.

Buck still notices that something’s off. He pulls back and studies Eddie’s face with a frown. 

“You okay, Eddie?”

Eddie smiles, nods a little awkwardly. He doesn’t trust his voice enough to tell the lie aloud. 

And Buck pats Eddie on his shoulder and says good-bye, and watches them as they disappear through his door. 

By the time they’re pulling up to their home, Christopher has fallen asleep in the backseat, and Eddie doesn’t think he has the energy to wake him up. 

All Eddie can do is lean his head against his steering wheel and take deep, long breaths. 

**

Monday afternoon, the 118 are dragging themselves back into the firehouse after a complicated medical call involving multiple popsicle sticks and a man’s blocked airway when Buck gently grabs Eddie’s elbow and pulls him to a stop. 

“You wanna go out tonight?” Buck kind of looks at the ground as he talks. “Just us, I mean, since Chris is spending the night with your grandma . . .”

Eddie says yes;, of course he says yes. And he doesn’t feel weird about saying “yes” until Buck smiles at him in a way he can’t recognize. Buck’s smile makes Eddie feel off-balanced somehow, and the feeling doesn’t go away for the rest of the day. 

It doesn’t help that Eddie can see Bobby watching them as he heads upstairs. He’s got a small, weird smile on his face. 

**

Eddie and Buck go out to a bar they’ve spent too much time in. There’s way less people than usual, and the music is loud enough to drown out Eddie’s own thoughts. 

Buck drives so that Eddie can “have enough drinks to loosen up a little.” 

Eddie rolls his eyes, but he has a couple of beers anyway, and he lets himself feel mellow and warm. Buck sits close, grinning in Eddie’s face, and Eddie drinks enough to not be concerned by the way his heart jumps at the sight of Buck’s eyes.

Towards the end of the night, the bartender starts relentlessly flirting with Buck, but Buck doesn’t seem to notice at all. 

Eddie does, though, and her flirting makes him unsettled and irritated. He gets distracted by the way she giggles and flips her hair, and the way she leans over and manages to touch Buck’s forearm when she takes Buck’s debit card. 

And then he gets distracted by how irritated he is, and all he can focus on is his own annoyance. 

Eddie’s not sure how long he puzzles over his own dissatisfaction. All he knows is that, at some point, Buck gently nudges him, his body suddenly much closer than it’d been the whole night. 

“You still with me, Eddie?” Buck asks with a soft smile. “Where you’d go?” 

Somewhere far, far away, if the strange, disoriented feeling he has is any indication. 

“Sorry . . .” 

Eddie ducks his head and mumbles the word, his face grower warm. He tries to look up and smile, but he’s distracted again. This time, it’s by the way Buck’s lips curl into a slow smile, a soft chuckle slipping past them as he watches Eddie. 

Eddie watches Buck back for what feels like an eternity. Buck never shies away from Eddie’s gaze. 

Eventually, Buck stands up from the bar and leaves the bartender a tip. Then he nods towards the door.

“Let’s get out of here.”

And Eddie can do nothing but nod and follow. 

**

As soon as Eddie gets home, he shucks off his clothes and falls across his bed. He lies there and stares at the ceiling, but the only thing he can see is Buck’s smile, flashing in front of his eyes over and over again. 

There’s no point in closing his eyes; Eddie’s not going to fall asleep. There’s no point of trying to “think through” this moment. Eddie can’t explain this way. 

Besides, what’s there to question at this point? Isn’t it obvious by now?

Eddie stares at the ceiling, and he thinks of the last time he sat in Frank’s office. Frank had asked Eddie if there was something “more” to Eddie and Buck, and Eddie had said no. 

Eddie had said no in a heartbeat, but that’s not really true, is it? Buck _is_ more than Eddie’s friend; he’s his partner, in a sense. When it comes to work, when it comes to Christopher, when it comes to dealing with the insanity of their lives, Buck is Eddie’s partner.

Eddie _needs_ Buck. He _wants_ Buck, in a way that’s confusing and terrifying, but not entirely unknown or surprising. Eddie wants Buck close to him; he wants to be able to reach out and touch Buck at all times. He wants to wrap his arms around Buck and pull him into his space. 

Eddie feels safe in Buck. Buck makes Eddie feel as if there’s nothing wrong with him at all, despite all the evidence indicating otherwise. 

When did Eddie start feeling this way? Was it just tonight, while he glared at the handsy woman who was too busy staring at Buck’s lips to do her job? Was it a few days ago, when Eddie watched Christopher playfully nudge Buck while they played video games? 

Or was it even further back, months back, on Halloween, when Buck stood in front of Eddie with an apology pouring off of him, and Eddie had blurted out _I forgive you_ because he _had_ forgiven Buck? He’d forgiven Buck much sooner than he should’ve because he wanted Buck _back_ in his life, by his side, _with him._

Or maybe it was in the days after the tsunami, when the terrifying thought of having nearly lost Christopher _and_ Buck still lingered in his mind? When, despite that terror, Eddie put his hand on Buck’s shoulder, stared into his cut and bruised face and told him there was no one in the world he trusted with Christopher more.

(It was such a _big_ statement to make. But Eddie meant every word of it.) 

Maybe Eddie has always wanted Buck this way and just wasn’t able to name the feeling in his chest, or the heat pouring off his face. Maybe Eddie really is as stupid as he often feels. 

Eddie’s not sure how he let _this_ happen. But he has. 

Eddie’s eyes slip closed. He thinks of himself in Frank’s office again as he drifts off to sleep. Frank had seen something in that one session that Eddie has missed for months. 

Frank’s going to get a kick out of _this_ one.


	9. Chapter 9

“I think you were right.”

Frank looks up from his notes with a smile and a furrowed brow. Eddie’s  _ just  _ sat down in Frank’s office, and Frank has barely had the time to say “Hi” before Eddie blurts that out. 

But Eddie might as well get it over with, right? 

“Right about what?” 

“. . . Buck,” Eddie says with a sigh. “You were right about me and Buck. About us being something more than friends.”

“ _ Oh _ .”

Frank says it like he’s genuinely surprised. It makes Eddie feel less foolish. 

Frank puts his notes down and leans forward towards Eddie.

“What makes you say that? Did something happen?” Frank asks. 

Eddie shifts and tenses. But, he brought this upon himself. He might as well be honest now. 

“Well, we went out—like, regular going out, like we usually do,” Eddie stammers. “And, the bartender was flirting with him, and I got so  _ annoyed _ , and I then just looked at Buck . . . I don’t know, I just had this  _ moment. _ ”

“You mean you were  _ jealous _ ,” Frank says, a hint of cheekiness in his voice. 

“ _ Yes _ ,” Eddie reluctantly confirms. “Yeah, I . . . I was jealous.”

And, wow, saying  _ that _ aloud is a staggering experience. 

“Jealousy is a very normal feeling, Eddie,” Frank says. 

“Not for  _ me _ ,” Eddie argues. “And  _ especially  _ not over  _ Buck. _ ” 

“Well, jealousy doesn’t  _ automatically  _ mean you’re romantically interested,” Frank says. “What else makes you think you are?”

“I just . . .” 

Eddie’s voice trails off as his thoughts shift to Buck. Buck’s eyes, Buck’s grin, the way Buck sometimes leans into Eddie’s space without even realizing it. The way Buck’s whole face lights up when he gets a good idea, and the way he frowns and tilts his head when he’s confused. The way Buck makes Eddie both lose and gain focus, blurring Eddie’s vision and making the contrast between Buck and everything else sharp and startling. 

“I don’t even think I can describe it,” Eddie says softly. “It’s  _ so many  _ things all at once. I can barely even think about it. I just know that I’ve never felt like this in my life. About anyone. Not even . . .”

“Shannon?” Frank says in a sympathetic tone.

Eddie snorts. “Yeah, Shannon,” he says bitterly. “I didn’t even feel this way about my  _ wife.  _ That’s saying something, isn’t it?”

“Not necessarily,” Frank says. “Maybe you and Shannon weren’t as compatible. You cared for each other, but some people just aren’t meant for one another. That doesn’t mean that you’re doing something wrong by feeling this way now, about someone else.”

Eddie sits quietly and lets himself process Frank’s words. Eddie did care about Shannon—he loved her. But Eddie thinks they always felt discordant, even before she left. They never really  _ fit _ . There's always some piece of them that didn't connect. 

“Yeah, I guess you’re right,” Eddie concedes. “I still don’t know how I feel about any of this.”

“Let’s talk through it, then,” Frank says. “Let me ask you something: are you  _ sexually  _ attracted to Buck, too? Or do you think it’s just emotional?”

“Um—” Eddie coughs a little, and his leg starts to jump. 

He could say he’s never thought of it; that wouldn’t necessarily be a lie. Eddie’s never given himself the time or space to think about _sex_ with Buck or anything like that. 

But Eddie  _ has  _ looked at Buck. Buck being attractive isn’t a novel fact: anyone with eyes could see that he’s attractive. But Eddie doesn’t think that most people really  _ look  _ at Buck the way Eddie has. They’ve never seen the way he bites on his lower lip when he’s concentrating. They’ve never let their eyes wander over the long, cursive tattoo on his left arm. Most people will never know that Buck’s skin is so  _ soft _ and smooth, even in the spots you’d expect to be rough. 

Eddie wants to run his hands all over that smoothness. He wants to put his  _ lips  _ all over that smoothness, just to see how soft it’ll feel against his mouth. 

“I’ve never, um, been attracted to a man before,” Eddie says instead, but his face is burning, and his heart is pounding. 

“ _ But _ you’re attracted to Buck?”

The answer is yes. Eddie knows the answer is yes. But he’s having a hard time saying it. 

“Aren’t I a little  _ old  _ to have a sexuality crisis?” Eddie asks instead. “I’m in my 30s! I thought this was something that happened when you’re in high school or college or something.” 

Frank shrugs. “Have you ever heard the phrase ‘sexuality is fluid’?” 

“Yes,” Eddie says with a sigh. “I have. I just never imagined  _ myself _ wanting to be with a man.”

“Does the idea of being with a man bother you?”

The question catches Eddie by surprise. “I’m not homophobic, Frank,” Eddie says in a rush. “How could I be if I  _ like  _ Buck?”

“We contradict ourselves in a whole lot of ways, Eddie,” Frank says. “When you were growing up, was there talk about sexuality in your home? Do you remember if you or any of your sisters had any questions or anything like that?”

Eddie thinks back to a few nights ago, when all he could think about was Buck, and his family and DJ. 

“They haven’t always been the most open-minded,” Eddie mumbles. 

“So, you’re experiencing completely new feelings, and you don’t have much of a foundation to help you process them. This is happening not too long after losing your wife, by the way, ” Frank says conclusively. “And we’re adding in the fact that Buck is a man, and your best friend and coworker.”

The words make Eddie’s stomach drop. He’s  _ fucked.  _

“You know, you’re not making me feel  _ better _ about this,” Eddie grumbles. 

“I’m sorry!” Frank says. “I’m just trying to be as realistic about this predicament as possible. I want to make sure we know what we’re dealing with.”

“ _ We’re  _ not dealing with anything,” Eddie says. “ _ I  _ am.”

“And  _ I’m  _ here with you,” Frank says. “So, I’m going to help you deal with it.”

Frank’s tone is so gentle and soft that it makes Eddie want to crawl out of his skin. 

“Please don’t talk to me like that.”

Frank frowns. “Like that?”

“Like I’m a  _ child _ ,” Eddie says. “Or like I’m dumb.”

“Hey, that’s not what I’m trying to do,” Frank says sincerely. “I just want to make you as comfortable as I can.” 

Eddie sighs heavily. Logically, he knows Frank isn’t making fun of him or talking down to him, but there’s something about all of  _ this  _ that’s making him agitated. 

“I know,” Eddie says. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

“Well, I mean, this is a  _ lot  _ for you to take in,” Frank says. “And it’s perfectly understandable for you to feel overwhelmed.”

“Overwhelmed” is one way to describe it. Eddie feels like his head is spinning as he combs through every errant thought and unexplainable feeling he’s ever had. But “overwhelmed” only brushes against the feeling causing the pain Eddie feels in his chest.

“Is it understandable to be  _ scared _ ?” Eddie mutters quietly. 

“ _ Yes _ ,” Frank says in a sympathetic tone. “Yes, it is. This is a scary situation.”

“Okay, so, how do I make it  _ less  _ scary?” Eddie demands. “How do I get over this?”

“Hold on,” Frank says. “I don’t think getting ‘over it’ is an option here.” 

That “I’m an idiot” feeling returns. Eddie closes his eyes and pinches the bridge of his nose.

“Then what  _ are  _ my options here?”

“You have to let yourself feel what you feel,” Frank says. “It sounds like these feelings have been growing and evolving for a  _ while  _ now. You have to accept them and see how they continue to evolve. That’s the only way you’ll be able to move forward in your relationship with him.”

“Move forward . . . with him?” 

The phrase sends a chill down Eddie’s spine, but Frank just smiles as if nothing’s wrong.

“You have to decide what kind of relationship you want with Buck,” Frank says. “Maybe you guys want to try at a romantic relationship, maybe you don’t. But you’ll  _ have _ to make that decision.”

Eddie shrugs. “I don’t really know if I  _ have  _ much of a choice, Frank. I mean, Buck’s not . . . he’s not gonna want—”

“You can’t be sure of what he wants if you don’t  _ talk  _ to him,” Frank says. “You should trust him; you should be  _ honest  _ with him. You  _ both  _ deserve that honesty.”

Eddie bites his tongue. He wishes he could explain to Frank that he  _ does _ know, because he’s seen the way Buck smiles at pretty women, and he’s heard the way Buck will sometimes complain about not finding the right woman. But Eddie already knows Frank will have an answer for whatever he says. There’s no use arguing.

“Besides,” Frank continues, “if I’m going by what you’ve told me about Buck, I don’t think you need to be as worried as you are.”

“What does  _ that _ mean?” Eddie asks in confusion.

“I mean, it doesn’t sound like a romantic relationship with Buck would be too far of a jump away from your  _ current  _ relationship with him. From what you've told me, you two are already very close, and you already care for Christopher in a way a lot of people who co-parent do. You just haven't taken that further step.”

Eddie thinks of Hen teasing him again, and he rolls his eyes.

“Maybe not,” he mutters. Then he sighs and runs a hand through his hair. “Alright. I have to talk to Buck.”

Frank nods. “Yes, you do.”

“Do I have to do it today?” 

Frank shakes his head. “No, not today. Or even tomorrow. But . . . eventually.” 

“ . . . I don’t want to do this.”

Frank chuckles. “I know.”

“ . . . But I have to, right?”

Frank says nothing. He just watches Eddie with something that looks like smugness on his face.

Eddie groans, shutting his eyes and letting his head hang.

“ _ Fine. _ ” 


	10. Chapter 10

Eddie really needs to stop coming to therapy before work. 

He sits in his truck, staring at the firehouse, feeling so anxious that he could pass out. His heart twists and contorts in his chest, and Eddie can’t help but wonder if anyone’s heart has ever given out because they were scared. 

Eddie needs to suck it up. He takes deep breaths, inhaling as much as possible, and exhaling as slowly as he can. It doesn’t have to be today; it doesn’t even have to be tomorrow, Eddie reminds himself.

But . . . _eventually_. 

When exactly is _eventually_ ? Is it just whenever Eddie stops feeling petrified? What if that never happens? And if Eddie ever does get up the nerve to tell Buck about _this_ , what exactly is he going to do if ( _when_ ) Buck rejects him? He’ll still have to see Buck every day, and he’ll still have to work by his side. This just feels like self-sabotage.

Eddie feels himself start to panic again. Get it _together_ , Eddie Diaz. Eddie needs to remember that having feelings or a crush on or _whatever_ this is about Buck can’t get in the way of his actual job. He needs to have his head on straight if he’s going to work. There are literal lives at risk, and that matters much more than whatever he’s got going on. 

Eddie’s got work to do. So, he needs to pull himself together and do it. 

**

They respond to a house fire that leaves Eddie with a singed turnout jacket and dark, heavy smoke up his nose. 

(In his own defense, Eddie heard a woman yelling from the back of the house, and he knew he had _just_ enough time to go back in and get her. It doesn’t change the fact that he got knocked over and couldn’t get up, though.)

Buck fusses while Eddie sits in the back of an ambulance with an oxygen mask over his face. “Are you okay??” mixed in with, “Why wouldn’t you wait for me, Eddie?” mixed in with, “What were you _thinking_? You’re always yelling at _me_ about being reckless, but look what you did!” 

And Eddie just sits there, holding the mask to his face, trying not to cough. He ends up coughing anyway, and his throat hurts and his whole body shakes. Buck holds onto Eddie—a hand on Eddie’s shoulder and the other on his waist—and he chastises Eddie even more. 

“You could’ve gotten yourself killed, and then what?” Buck demands, with an intense stare. “What are we supposed to do without you, Eddie? What would _I_ do without you?” 

Buck rants so much that Bobby doesn’t have to say anything at all. He just looks between Eddie and Buck with his eyebrows raised.

Eddie listens to Buck fret and bluster, and honestly, he almost blurts _it_ right there. He watches the way Buck’s face starts to redden, and all Eddie can think is, _I REALLY want to be with you. Please just be with me._

Because Eddie doesn’t know what he’d do without Buck, either. And he knows that Buck cares about him and wants him to be okay, and maybe Eddie really has let too much smoke into his head, because now all he can think is that he should be with Buck while he still can. 

Eddie wants to kiss Buck. He _really_ wants to kiss Buck. 

But Buck is pissed enough as it is, and Eddie can barely breathe right now, anyway. There’s no need to do another stupid thing today. 

**

Buck comes home with Eddie, insisting on staying for hours to “watch” him. Buck tells Eddie that he’ll cook dinner and clean up afterwards for them because “you really need to rest considering you decided you wanted to die of smoke inhalation today.” 

Eddie rolls his eyes, but he can’t force himself to stop smiling. Buck will never know how much this means to Eddie. 

**

“BUUUUUCK!” 

Christopher’s ecstatic to see his favorite person. He crashes into Buck with a face-splitting grin, his arms wrapped tightly around Buck’s waist. Buck laughs and hoists Christopher in the air, swinging him around. 

Eddie watches them and feels like he’s coming undone. 

“You two act like it’s been _years_ since you’ve seen each other,” Eddie says with a laugh, hoping Buck can’t hear the unevenness in his voice.

But Buck’s smile falters. It’s only for a fraction of a second; Eddie probably wouldn’t notice it at all if he wasn’t looking right at Buck. But he notices it. 

Buck’s bright smile is back on his face as he turns to Christopher.

“Well, you can’t blame me for missing my best friend in the whole world,” Buck says and Christopher giggles loudly. 

“I thought _I_ was your best friend! I can’t believe you’ve replaced me!” Eddie says exaggeratedly. 

“Sorry, man,” Buck says with an easy grin. “Try not to get too jealous, okay?”

Christopher beams at Eddie. Eddie just rolls his eyes but smiles at them.

“I’ll try my hardest.”

**

“I can stay here, you know,” Buck says, after dinner has been eaten and the kitchen is clean. “I don’t _have_ to go home. You should probably have someone here with you, anyway.”

Eddie just stares at Buck for a moment. Eddie feels perfectly fine; he hasn’t coughed in hours, and he’d been told he would be fine earlier today. Christopher’s already in bed. There’s no real reason for Buck to stay. 

But Eddie wants him to. 

All he has to do is _say_ he wants Buck to stay. It’s probably that simple. 

But Eddie feels like saying that tonight would be too close to saying what he _really_ wants to say; asking Buck to stay the night feels only a couple steps away from telling Buck he wants him to stay all the time. 

And as ashamed as he is to do it, Eddie has to admit that he’s still too scared to let those words come out of his mouth. 

“You . . . don’t _have_ to stay,” Eddie says instead. “I think I’m good.” 

“You sure?” Buck presses. “Because I don’t mind. I _never_ mind, you know.” 

Eddie nods, trying his hardest to ignore the nagging voice at the back of his mind. 

“Yeah, yeah, I’m sure.”

**

Eddie watches Buck for the majority of lunch. 

Eddie looks at Buck out of the corner of his eye, trying his hardest to avoid full-on staring. He lets Chimney sit between them, but leans back so that he can still see Buck. Eddie listens to the way Buck’s voice rises and falls, and thinks about what Frank told him almost a week ago.

 _You should be honest with him,_ Frank had said. _You both deserve that honesty._

Except, Eddie’s been thinking about that all day. If he’s _really_ being honest, he knows that nothing good can come from telling Buck how he feels. 

They’re not going to end up together. Eddie knows that. The fact that Frank feels like they could is entirely based on what Eddie’s told him about Buck and him. Frank’s not around Buck to _know_ him, not like Eddie does. 

Maybe all of these feelings have been slipping into his sessions this whole time, distorting the reality of Eddie and Buck’s situation. Maybe Eddie’s presented Frank with a dishonest version of the two of them without even meaning to. 

Because the reality is, Buck’s a single man in his 20s. He’s Eddie’s coworker. He’s Eddie’s best friend. And yeah, Buck loves Christopher, but he didn’t sign up to be Christopher’s second dad. He certainly didn’t sign up to be _with_ Eddie like that. 

Buck is _not_ Eddie’s partner, not in that way. He just feels like it. Eddie treats him like he’s his partner. But, he’s not. 

Eddie never should have let himself think otherwise. Eddie should know the difference.

Eddie had a partner before. At least, he thought he had a partner for a short time. But Shannon eventually left. Shannon was Eddie’s wife and Christopher’s mother, and she still couldn’t stay. They were too much for her. _Eddie_ was too much for her. She couldn’t love Eddie, and he couldn’t make it work on his own. 

And if Shannon couldn’t stay—couldn’t love Eddie enough to actually _stay_ —why would Buck? Buck, who has no obligation of marriage or blood relation, who has the option to leave Eddie’s life at any moment to find something easier. How could he not just get _tired_ of them one day? 

Why would Buck stay with Eddie? No one else ever has. 

Buck starts telling everyone a story, gesticulating wildly as he talks. Everyone else is laughing and giggling while Eddie is trying his hardest to not slam his head against the table. Buck must be able to feel Eddie’s gaze because he glances over to Eddie. He looks at Eddie for less than a second before turning back to the rest of the table with a wide grin on his face.

Eddie gets up from the table, trying to walk away as casually as he can.

**

They fall back into their old routine. 

Eddie works and takes care of Christopher. Buck comes over more often than not and helps take care of Christopher. 

Eddie and Buck drink a beer and talk, and Eddie manages to keep a distance between them. Buck doesn’t seem to notice anything out of the ordinary. 

They have a good thing, Eddie and Buck. Eddie’s not going to lose it over some crush.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Being brave is hard.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finished this chapter a lot sooner than I thought I would. It's bit a longer than the others. 
> 
> Hope y'all enjoy it!

Everyone on the 118 manages to stay in one piece. They all manage to stay out of trouble.

It’s nice. Easy. 

His coworkers seem to have a hard time leaving well enough alone, though. 

On a couple of occasions, Chimney makes a joke about Eddie being quieter than usual (“Cat got ya tongue? I feel like I haven’t heard your voice in forever, man.”) Hen uses her quiet, “everything’s going to be okay” voice on Eddie more times than he’s comfortable. A few times, Bobby goes out of his way to let Eddie know that he can always talk to him about _anything._

Buck’s the only one who doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t ask any pointed questions or give him any soft looks. Buck doesn’t make thinly-veiled comments about Eddie being quiet or needing to talk through anything. 

Buck’s the only one who doesn’t talk to Eddie differently. Buck treats Eddie the same way he’s always treated Eddie. Eddie always says he’s fine, and Buck always seems to believe him. 

Eddie appreciates that normalcy. He thinks he needs it. 

**

Christopher swipes Eddie’s phone one day.

At first, Eddie doesn’t realize Christopher has it. He spends an eternity looking through couch cushions and underneath his bed, and even digging through his clothes hamper. 

When he gives up and decides to go to ask Christopher if he’s seen it, Eddie hears Christopher quietly giggling in his room. Eddie peeks inside, and, sure enough, sees Christopher sitting on his bed with Eddie’s phone pressed to his ear. 

“That little thief,” Eddie mumbles to himself. 

Eddie thinks he should be upset, but he has to bite the inside of his jaw to keep from smiling as he watches Christopher chatter away. Eddie pushes the door open, and Christopher looks up at him with a shocked look on his face.

“Caught you!” Eddie says with a smirk. “Did you ask me if you could use my phone?” 

Christopher smiles sheepishly, and his face reddens. 

“ _Sorry_ ,” he says, holding the phone out to Eddie.

Eddie carefully takes the phone from Christopher’s hand.

“ _Thank you_ ,” Eddie says. “Who’re you talking to, anyway?”

“Buck!” Christopher chirps. 

Eddie looks down at the phone as if it’ll burn his hand. 

“ _Hi_ , Eddie!” Buck’s voice calls out. 

Eddie lets out a startled laugh as he lifts the phone to his ear. 

“Sorry about that,” Eddie says nervously. 

Buck chuckles. “Nah, don’t be sorry! And don’t be mad, either! I think he just wanted to talk. I _am_ his favorite person, you know.”

Eddie rolls his eyes. “He should still _ask me first_ ,” Eddie says pointedly. 

Christopher nods with a pout. Eddie decides to focus on that instead of the way Buck laughs again. 

“I didn’t think you’d let me call him,” Christopher mutters. “I thought you’d say no.”

Eddie frowns. He’s never kept Christopher and Buck apart before, so what makes Christopher think he would try? 

“Why would I say no?” 

Christopher shrugs, and Buck makes a small coughing noise. 

“Just thought you would,” Christopher says. 

“Well, I _wouldn’t,_ ” Eddie says. “You’ll just have to ask him next time, okay?”

“Okay!” Christopher says. “Can I say bye??”

“Sure, kid,” Eddie says, and he puts the phone on speaker.

Eddie chuckles as Christopher leans much closer to the phone than necessary.

“Bye, Buck!!”

“Bye, Chris!” Buck says through a laugh. “And I’ll see you later, Eddie.” 

Eddie ignores the fluttering in his chest.

“See you later, Buck.” 

Eddie hangs up, and looks over to Christopher, who is now preoccupying himself with a coloring book. He’s intently coloring an elephant with a dizzying mixture of pink, green and blue. 

“What did you even want to talk to him about?” Eddie asks.

Christopher shrugs, not even looking up from his new focus. 

“Just stuff.”

“What ‘stuff’?” Eddie asks. “Stuff you can’t talk to _me_ about?”

“It’s different talking to you than it is talking to him,” Christopher mumbles. 

Eddie crouches so that he’s eye-level with Christopher. The sudden spike of anxiety Eddie feels turns into his stomach into a bunch of knots. 

“Different how, Chris?” Eddie asks quietly. “ ‘Different’ like better? Or maybe, ‘different’ like easier?”

Christopher looks up at Eddie with the blankest expression Eddie’s ever seen on his face. Then he shrugs again.

“Dunno. Just different. You and Buck are different.”

Eddie just nods. There’s no point in asking any more questions. 

“Okay, buddy. Whatever you say.”

Christopher giggles at that and turns his attention back to his coloring book. 

“No, it’s whatever _you_ say, Daddy!” Christopher says gleefully. 

Eddie chuckles softly and ruffles Christopher’s hair before leaving his room. 

By the time Eddie’s in the living room again, his head is pounding, and all he can hear is _You and Buck are different_ over and over again. 

**

Eddie catches Christopher watching him a couple of days later. 

They’re on their way to Carla’s when Eddie happens to glance in the rear view mirror. Christopher’s sitting there, studying Eddie with an intense look on his face. His head is tilted, his eyes are narrowed, and he’s kind of looking at Eddie the way he looks at his science homework sometimes. 

“What’s up, buddy?” Eddie asks, watching Christopher’s reflection. “You okay back there?”

Christopher laughs a little and nods, making his glasses bounce on his face. 

“I’m okay back here,” he says. “Are you okay up there?” 

Eddie chuckles, but his heart flutters. He grips the steering wheel a little more tightly.

“I’m okay up here,” Eddie answers. 

Christopher hums to himself and looks away from Eddie. Eddie focuses on the street ahead, ignoring the feeling in his chest. 

They’re quiet for the rest of the ride. 

**

It’s later, when they’re between calls and Eddie is lounging on the couch, that he thinks about Christopher again. Christopher, staring at Eddie like he was a jumbled-up equation that Christopher couldn’t solve. As if Eddie has become wholly inaccessible to him. 

Eddie wonders what Christopher sees when he looks like at him now. What face does Christopher see? What voice does he hear? What version of Eddie is Christopher experiencing on a daily basis?

Eddie hopes it’s a good one. Christopher deserves a good father. Christopher deserves much more than Eddie can give. 

Eddie doesn’t notice Buck and Chimney walking in. Buck nudges Eddie’s arm as he passes and Eddie jumps, his heart pounding in his chest.

“Sorry!” Buck says with a smile. “Didn’t mean to scare you.”

“You’re good,” Eddie says, even though his heart hasn’t slowed down one bit. 

Buck plops down next to Eddie on the couch while Chimney sits down in the armchair, propping his feet on the table. Buck’s left a decent amount of space between himself and Eddie, and Eddie notices that Chimney seems to be eyeing the empty space. 

Eddie can’t remember ever feeling more self-conscious. 

“What’re you up here thinking about, anyway?” Chimney asks. “You’re looking a little broody.” 

Eddie narrows his eyes at Chimney. As friendly as Chimney sounds, Eddie feels like Chimney’s setting him up somehow. 

“Can’t I just come here to relax? And be away from _you guys_?”

“Away from us?” Chimney challenges with a smirk. “Oh, please. You _love us_ , Eddie.”

Chimney shoots a quick glance at Buck. Buck moves so slightly that Eddie almost thinks he imagined it. Eddie stops himself from looking in Buck’s direction and focuses his gaze on Chimney.

“I think we’ve got different definitions of ‘love,’ Chim.” 

Chimney shrugs and grins. “No, I don’t think we do.” 

Buck moves again, and this time it’s much more noticeable. Eddie can’t stop himself from looking over this time. Buck looks right back at him with a neutral expression, but Eddie can see tension in Buck’s jaw. 

The siren goes off before Eddie can say anything.

The loud blare and flashing red lights bring them to attention. Chimney groans, mutters a “ _I just got comfortable_ ” and descends down the stairs. 

Buck’s up and rushing after him, speeding past Eddie without a word. Eddie watches him as he goes, and he feels confused as Buck disappears from his sight. 

**

Buck asks Eddie to hang out, and Eddie says no.

A frown flashes across Buck’s face, but it only lasts a second. He smirks at Eddie with the usual amount of mischief.

“Jeez, don’t tell me you’re getting tired of me now,” Buck says. 

“Nah, man,” Eddie says. “Just tired in general.” 

That sounds like the right thing to say. Because Eddie doesn’t really have a reason for saying no. He’s not upset or trying to avoid Buck. 

Eddie just . . . doesn’t feel like it. To be honest, Eddie doesn’t feel like doing anything at all. 

Buck nods. “Okay, some other time, then?”

And Eddie says yes. He has a distant thought, a soft voice way in the back of his mind: _I really hope so._

**

Except, Buck asks him to hang out a couple of more times, and Eddie keeps saying no.

“Nah, not tonight.” 

“I don’t know if I’m up to.” 

“Just tired, that’s all.”

(Eddie doesn’t mention that he’s _always_ tired, lately; the number of things he feels like doing is starting to dwindle.)

Buck never gets upset with Eddie for turning him down. He never pouts about it or asks questions. Buck always just smiles and says “Another time, then.” 

**

“How’ve you been, Eddie?”

Eddie gives Frank a small smile. He wants today to be as quick and painless as humanly possible. 

“The same,” he says. “Nothing to report.”

“Nothing at all?” Frank asks in the gentle but prying way only he can. 

Eddie thinks for a moment, crossing his arms and twisting his mouth as he recounts the days. Then, he shrugs.

“No, not really,” Eddie says. “I’ve just been . . . the same.”

Frank doesn’t completely believe Eddie; Eddie can tell by the way Frank squints, and by the way he kind of tilts his head in Eddie’s direction. 

Eddie’s not lying, though. There _hasn’t_ been anything going on. No weird ass calls or near death experiences. No calls from Christopher’s school. Christopher hasn’t had a bad dream or any more awkward moments with Eddie. It’s been that way for weeks now. Eddie has absolutely no reason to feel anything other than perfectly fine. 

“What about things with you and Buck?” Frank asks. “How’ve you guys been?”

“Fine.” Eddie says it quickly; he anticipated the question. “We’re fine. We’re good.”

Frank blinks at him. Eddie can feel Frank’s eyes burrowing into his skin, trying to peel back the layers to see what’s inside. For the briefest of moments, Eddie’s heart drops, and the feeling of dread floods his system.

But this isn’t a lie, either. Eddie and Buck _are_ fine. They’ve hung out and had fun together. They’ve talked on the phone. Christopher and Buck have still teamed up to pull fast ones on Eddie. Their relationship is the same as it’s always been. It’s _good_ , and Eddie isn’t going to worry about trying to change it. 

Everything in Eddie’s life has settled down, falling into a steady, even pace. He could go through life on autopilot if he needed to. 

Yet and still, Frank peers at him with that skeptical look in his eyes. 

Eddie moves around his chair, fighting the urge to cross his arms over his chest.

“You know, Frank, it’s starting to feel like you get bored with me if something isn’t wrong,” Eddie says, hoping his tone is still light. 

“I could never get bored with you,” Frank says kindly. “I just want to gauge how you’ve been feeling lately. The last time we saw each other, you were very agitated and worried about your relationship with Buck. We agreed that you two needed to talk at some point.” 

“Well, I’m not agitated or worried about _anything_ now,” Eddie says. “I feel . . .” 

And this is where Eddie falters, his voice trailing off. Because Eddie is about to say he feels _fine_ , but he can see the way Frank’s eyes narrow ever-so-slightly, and he knows that words like _fine_ and _decent_ aren't going to cut it. They never do when Eddie is in this office. 

The only word that would satisfy Frank is _happy._

That’s what he wants Eddie to come in and say one day. I’m _happy._ Everything has fallen into place, and I’m finally _happy._ But, when he goes to say it, the word refuses to come out. It vanishes from Eddie’s vocabulary altogether.

It feels dishonest to even be thinking of the word _happy_. 

“Everything’s good,” Eddie says instead. “Everything’s good.” 

Frank nods, but he frowns.

“Eddie,” Frank says cautiously, “are you worried about giving me the ‘wrong’ answer?”

Eddie sighs. Well, he’s been caught red handed. 

“Can’t help but be worried,” Eddie admits. “I, um . . . I’m aware of the . . . consequences of saying the wrong thing here.”

“That’s what I’m having trouble understanding,” Frank says. “There’s no such thing as a ‘wrong answer’ here. As long as you’re being honest—”

“ _Yes_ , there is,” Eddie says, shaking his head as he interrupts Frank. “There definitely is.”

Frank leans forward, giving Eddie a scrutinizing stare. 

“Why do you say that?” Frank questions. “What makes you think that?”

Eddie chortles to himself. He’s given Frank an opening, and Frank’s going right for it. 

“Well, I mean, besides the fact that it means that I have to be _here_ more,” Eddie says, his tone beginning to sound impatient, “saying the wrong thing means there’s something wrong with _me._ And if there’s something wrong with me, then I can’t do my job, and I can’t be a good friend, and I can’t be a parent, so . . .” Eddie shrugs and gestures around the office “ . . . yes, it’s _definitely_ possible to give a ‘wrong answer’ here.” 

Frank says nothing for a while. He just nods slowly, his eyes fixed on a point to the left of Eddie’s head. He’s probably trying to think through everything _wrong_ with what Eddie just said, he thinks sourly. 

“What I can’t get past,” Frank finally says in a deliberate tone, “is the _way_ you say ‘wrong.’ It’s a word you use a lot in these sessions, and you say it as if you believe there’s something _inherently_ wrong with you. As if you’re . . . damaged or broken, somehow.” 

Eddie’s heart sinks at Frank’s words, and his throat goes dry. He avoids Frank’s eyes, glaring down at the carpet between his feet instead. 

The past couple of months rush back to Eddie. They have been good, haven’t they? Eddie has had good moments at work, good moments with Christopher, good moments with Buck. 

It all should’ve been easy, but it doesn’t _feel_ easy. It doesn’t feel like _anything_. 

There’s just . . . nothing. A blank space. He knows what he’s _supposed_ to feel: what he _used_ to feel, even. But, there’s just nothing. 

And that’s the most bothersome thing about this situation Eddie has found himself in: when he’s not full of blinding rage or extreme anxiety or almost debilitating sadness, Eddie feels nothing at all. It’s just like he told Frank months ago, the first time he sat on this couch and cried. 

Eddie thinks he’s a little better than back then, because at least now he can feel like he’s having fun every now and then; he can feel _something_ close to “happiness.” But, the sensation never lasts. It may linger longer now than ever, but it’s still gone too soon. 

Eddie feels like a shell sometimes. A hollow, useless shell. 

“Am I _not_?” Eddie can barely force the question out. “Isn’t that how I ended up needing therapy in the first place?” 

“No, you’re not,” Frank answers promptly. “You may not be _well_ , but you’re not broken, or damaged or _wrong._ Not the way you think you are.” 

“Well, it sure _feels_ like it, Frank,” Eddie says in a quiet, but frustrated tone. “Like, God man. I’m someone who can have _weeks’_ worth of good days and not feel _good_ about it. I’m someone who gets _jealous_ because my kid has fun with my best friend. Hell, just _thinking_ about my best friend gives me crazy anxiety! I can’t even tell him how I _feel_ about him without feeling like I’m going to have a fucking heart attack! Worse yet, I’m pretty sure we’ve had this _exact_ conversation before. And you don’t think there’s something _inherently_ wrong with me?” 

“ _No_ , I don’t,” Frank says firmly. “And I never _will_ think that, Eddie. These feelings—this condition you’re in—this didn’t just happen overnight. It didn’t come from nowhere.”

“I know,” Eddie says, dismissively. “It came from Shannon, or the desert, or the fucked up stuff that happened to _other people_ in my life. We’ve mentioned it a time or two.”

“It’s coming from your _trauma_ , Eddie,” Frank says emphatically. “Your very _real_ trauma. It’s not something to be sneezed at or ignored.”

“I’m not trying to ignore it!” Eddie retorts. “I’m just tired of being like _this!_ I just want to be good! I want to be better! I want my kid to not feel like he has to take care of me! Why can’t I do that one simple thing? Why is it so fucking _hard?_ ”

“Healing is _always_ hard,” Frank says, and his voice is somehow even kinder than before. “And it’s not a straightforward process, either. You’ll have setbacks, and you’ll feel like you’re going backwards. This is normal, believe it or not.” 

“ _Normal_ ,” Eddie scoffs. “You don’t know what I’d give to feel _normal_ again, Frank. I haven’t felt normal in so long I don’t even know what it looks like anymore. I don’t even think it’s possible.”

“It _is_ possible,” Frank says. “I can assure you that. _But_ , it will take time, and it will take a lot of work.”

Eddie rubs his eyes. They’re burning, a telltale sign that he’s about to cry again. 

Eddie’s tired of crying. He’s tired of these sessions. He’s tired of having to dig into himself and find more ways that he’s been traumatized. He’s tired of feeling like he’s going backwards. He’s tired of feeling like everyone is watching him go backwards, watching him _fail_ over and over again. 

Eddie’s just tired. He’s so fucking _tired._

“Frank,” Eddie says, his voice weary, “what do you think is wr--what do you think my _problem_ is? Please don’t say ‘nothing’ or give me some psychological terms I don’t understand. Just . . . what do _you_ think is going on with me?” 

Eddie can feel Frank wheel himself closer, and he looks up. Frank’s looking Eddie right in the eyes.

“Eddie. I think you’re depressed.” 

Eddie looks at Frank, and he sighs. It’s almost a relief to hear that word. 

“I think you’re depressed,” Frank continues, “and I think you’re _angry_ at yourself for being depressed. I think there’s no one in the world more angry and disappointed with you _than_ you.” 

Eddie nods. Tears pour down his face, but he doesn’t even bother trying to wipe them away. Eddie kind of thinks he needs to cry now. 

“You know, my family’s always told me to ‘suck it up.’ It’s basically our motto,’” Eddie mumbles. “Always has been. My dad always told us we had to pick ourselves up and move on. And I was always _really_ good at that . . . I guess I’m not anymore.” 

“It’s not always that simple,” Frank says. “In fact, it rarely is. You can’t just ‘suck it up.’ You have to _deal with it._ And dealing with it is not an easy process.”

“Deal with it,” Eddie mutters. 

The words echo in Eddie’s mind, making his head pound. He suddenly thinks about that day in the grocery store, when he saw Buck and got so angry he couldn’t see straight. Eddie scoffs at himself; he’d been so awful to Buck that day, and it was all because he had his own shit he couldn’t _deal with._

“You know, I once told Buck he was _exhausting_ ,” Eddie confesses. “I asked him why he couldn’t just ‘suck it up’ after the explosion.” 

“Why’d you say that?” Franks asks without a hint of judgement in his voice. 

“I was mad at him,” Eddie says bitterly. “He’d sued the department, and we couldn’t see him because of the lawsuit. And the thing is, I _thought_ I was mad because he broke up the team. But, I was really just mad because he wasn’t around me and Chris anymore. It felt like he . . .”

“Left you,” Frank finishes. “Like others in your life have?”

“Like he didn’t care enough about us to stay,” Eddie says, his voice thick with tears. “He didn’t . . . he didn’t like me . . . or _love me_ . . . enough to stay. And if he didn’t love me enough to stay _then_ . . .”

“You know what I’m gonna say about _assuming_ how Buck feels, right?” Frank asks with a small smile.

“ _Yeah_ , I know,” Eddie says, but he’s able to smile a little, too. “And I know you’re right: I can’t know unless I actually talk to him.” 

“I’m glad you know that,” Frank says. “Eddie, I think at this point, self-forgiveness is what you need the most in your life. I want you to take steps to avoid being so upset at yourself, and to be more careful with your own feelings. Because your anger and resentment at yourself and how you feel won’t allow you to see your relationship with Buck-- _or Christopher_ \--clearly.” 

“That’s similar to what you said last time. That I have to let myself feel however I feel?”

Frank nods. “Exactly. That doesn’t just apply to how you feel about Buck. You have to let yourself _be._ ”

Eddie chuckles lightly. He feels so worn down that it's actually a little funny to him. 

“This sounds like _a lot_ , Frank. And I’m already tired.” 

“It can feel like a lot,” Frank concedes, “but I’m confident that we can do it.” 

Eddie nods to himself. He lets this session sink in slowly, staying still as each fact washes over him.

Eddie’s depressed. 

He’s angry at himself for being depressed. 

He has feelings for his best friend. 

Eddie’s very scared of all of these things. 

But it’s going to be okay. Eddie’s got _a lot_ of hard work to do. But it’s going to be okay. 

“Thank you, Frank.”

“You don’t have to thank me, Eddie. This is what I’m here for.”

“I know . . . thank you, anyway.”

**

Eddie sprawls out across his bed that night. He’s exhausted—of course, he’s exhausted. 

But, he feels different about this exhaustion. 

There’s a strange feeling of hope in Eddie tonight. He can’t help feeling like things really will be different this time. Maybe it's because he now knows he can _make_ them different. 

Eddie’s not at anyone else’s mercy on this one. Just his own. 

**

Christopher knocks on Eddie’s door just before Eddie dozes off. Eddie sees Christopher standing in the doorway, and he feels his heart swell. Eddie sits up and pats the bed. 

“Come on in, Chris.”

Christopher happily ambles inside and climbs into bed next to Eddie, snuggling as close to Eddie as he can. 

“Are you okay?” Eddie asks. 

“Yeah,” Christopher says softly. “I wanted to see how _you’re_ doing.”

“Were you worried about me?” 

Christopher nods. “A little bit,” he admits, “because you’ve been a little sad and stuff.” 

Eddie’s not even surprised by Christopher’s words. Eddie can hear the quiet, angry voice in the back of his mind, threatening to attack him.

But, he decides to ignore it.

“Thank you for thinking about me,” Eddie says. “Yeah, I’ve been a little sad lately. But I’m going to be alright. Okay?”

“Okay,” Chris says with a sleepy smile. “What should I do?” 

“What do you mean, buddy?” 

“To help you be okay,” Christopher says, as if it should be obvious.

Eddie goes misty-eyed, and he pulls Christopher into a tight hug.

“You just keep being the amazing kid you are, okay?”

Christopher giggles. “Okay . . .”

Eddie rubs Christopher’s hair as Christopher drifts off to sleep. He presses a kiss to Christopher’s forehead, belatedly hoping his tears don’t on top of Christopher’s head.

“I love you, kid,” Eddie mumbles.

Christopher hums in his sleep, a quiet, content sound. 


	12. Chapter 12

Buck _is_ treating Eddie differently. 

Eddie realizes it when they’re out on a call one day, while the two of them are freeing some poor man from his daughter’s life-sized dollhouse. Eddie figures out that Buck is watching him; he looks like he’s tracking Eddie’s every moment, no matter how small. 

When they finally help the man escape and move to let Hen and Chimney examine him, Eddie notices that Buck’s trying to keep distance between them. Buck’s always been fine to bump into Eddie as they move, but now he seems to make sure he doesn’t touch Eddie at all. 

Buck even tries to keep distance between them when they sit next to each other in the engine; he holds himself still, and Eddie would be lying if he said Buck looked comfortable. 

Once Eddie starts noticing the changes, he can’t stop. 

First, it’s the looks and the distance. Then, it’s the way Buck speaks to him. He’s no less friendly and silly, but Eddie realizes how carefully Buck’s choosing his words now. He speaks more hesitantly to Eddie, as if he’s worried about saying something _wrong._ Buck’s smiles are soft, and his eyes are even softer now—they’re almost apologetic when they land on Eddie. 

When did Buck start walking on eggshells around Eddie? And how did Eddie not see it before?

Eddie thinks back to what Frank told him during their last session: how Eddie feels about himself makes it harder to see things for how they really are. That included his relationship with Christopher and Buck. 

This isn’t new behavior. Buck’s probably been this careful around Eddie for _weeks_ now. And Eddie was too caught up in his own head to notice. He was so glad that Buck seemed to be the only one not prying, but Buck wanted to pry all along. He just didn’t feel like he could. 

Eddie’s spent so long trying to keep everyone, including Buck, out. He’s gotta let them in now. 

**

Eddie decides to play a game with himself: “Would I talk to Christopher this way?” He discovers it’s a surefire way to be nicer to himself in the way Frank suggested. 

Whenever Eddie feels down on himself or pissed off at himself, he takes a moment to stop and think, “Would I talk to Christopher the way I’m talking to myself? Is this how I feel about Christopher when he makes a mistake? Would I say these words to Christopher’s face?” If the answer is “no,” Eddie has to change what he’s thinking about himself.

Eddie has to play his game more often than he thought he would. The answer is pretty much always “No.” 

It’s a curious thing, to not like yourself, or to even feel like you _hate_ yourself at times. There’s a part of yourself that wants you to hurt: it constantly reminds you of your failures, of your pain, trying to convince you that you’re _wrong_ somehow. It attacks you with everything it’s got, poking and prodding at you until you feel raw and exposed and ashamed. It’s a powerful, overwhelming feeling that seems impossible to fight.

But Eddie _has_ to fight it. Eddie has no choice but to fight it. 

Eddie wonders how long he’s held onto these feelings at his own expense. He wonders what course his life would’ve taken—what choices he would’ve made, what relationships he would’ve built—had he not let these thoughts affect him so much. 

Eddie tries not to dwell on the “What ifs” too much, though. He knows that can lead down a bad road, too. 

Besides, Eddie’s got a whole, _real_ life that he wants to enjoy. That’s what he needs to focus on. 

**

Eddie’s changed his mind: he’s going to tell Buck how he feels about him. 

Nothing big happens to make Eddie change his mind. There isn’t a near-death experience or an argument. They aren’t even out on a call when the realization hits Eddie. 

They’re all in the firehouse, watching Buck and Hen play Super Smash Bros. Hen wins and cackles loudly as Buck pouts. Buck demands a rematch while Hen taunts him, and Eddie looks at Buck and decides right there that he’s going to tell him. Buck should know the truth. 

Eddie knows he probably should’ve talked to Buck a _long_ time ago; he should’ve never given himself the chance to put it off or run from it. Eddie’s had a million and one reasons to not tell Buck, and has reminded himself of each and every one whenever he thinks he’s going to tell him. Buck’s probably straight, or he’s too young to have to take on such a commitment, or Eddie’s got a horrible track record with relationships, or it would make work awkward. Reason after reason after reason. 

All those reasons sounded rational in the beginning. They _are_ rational, in fact. But it’s not rationality that’s been keeping Eddie quiet. It’s fear; all-consuming, debilitating fear. Fear of rejection, fear that their relationship would fail. Fear that Eddie’s future can be no better than his past. 

Nothing has silenced Eddie more than fear. He doesn’t want to be afraid anymore. 

**

Eddie asks Buck to come over after their shift ends.

“Chris is with Abuela tonight, and I don’t feel like sitting on my couch drinking beers by myself,” Eddie says, trying to be as cool-headed as possible.

Buck brightens. “Yeah, yeah, sure.” 

Anxiety floods Eddie, and a voice in his head tells him to run. Eddie acknowledges the feeling; he expected it to come. But he’s not backing out now. 

**

When Eddie made the decision to tell Buck how he feels, he knew he’d be nervous. He didn’t realize he’d be _this_ nervous. 

Eddie just barely stops his leg from jumping the entire time. He barely tastes any of their food. His throat’s gone dry, which makes no sense considering the drinks he’s had. Eddie’s stomach is one big, impossibly tight knot. Eddie keeps begging his own body to _relax_ , but his muscles remain tense and rigid. Eddie can’t even pay attention to whatever movie they’re supposed to be watching; he’s too busy freaking out. 

Okay. Eddie can do this. Eddie already knows what the worst case scenario is; he’s reminded himself of it a thousand times. He just needs to calm down and do it. 

The movie Eddie has paid no attention to ends. Buck suddenly stretches, groaning loudly as he pulls his arms back.

“Getting old, huh?” Eddie says with a smirk. 

“ _Fuck off_ ,” Buck grumbles with a smile. He drops his arms and leans back into Eddie’s couch. “I’m trying to get the energy to get up. I didn’t realize how tired I was until I sat down.”

“I feel that,” Eddie says. “But there’s no rush. You know you can stay on my couch as long as you want.”

 _Or for forever_. Eddie bites down on the thought. Go slowly, he reminds himself. 

Buck snorts. “I can’t stay as long as _I_ want. You’d _definitely_ kick me out.” 

Eddie frowns. There’s no mistaking the bitterness in Buck’s tone. 

“Why would I kick you out? You’re always welcome here.”

“Yeah, you say that _now_ ,” Buck mumbles. His voice is so quiet and muffled that Eddie barely hears him. 

Eddie sits up and really watches Buck. Buck keeps fidgeting, moving as if he’s suddenly uncomfortable. His eyes keep darting from the floor to the ceiling. His jaw is twitching. And he’s left a huge gap between himself and Eddie. 

Buck’s nervous. He looks just as nervous as Eddie feels.

“Um, Buck?” Eddie asks carefully. “Are you okay? Is there something up?”

Buck laughs, a harsh, abrupt sound. He finally looks Eddie in the eye again. 

“I feel like I should be asking _you_ that, Eddie,” Buck says. “Kinda feels like we haven’t actually _talked_ in a while.” 

Eddie nods slowly. This wasn’t a part of Eddie’s plans, but Eddie knows it’s just as important.

Buck shrugs. “I mean, unless you’re not talking to me because you wanna get back at me for when I ghosted you,” he says. 

Buck’s trying to make it sound like a joke, but Eddie can clearly hear how frayed his nerves are. 

“I promise I’m not trying to get back at you,” Eddie says. “It’s just . . .” he falters, his voice quieting. 

_Be honest with him._

“ . . . it’s just that things have been a little rough lately,” Eddie continues. “And therapy’s been kicking my ass.” 

Buck sits up now and turns so that he’s fully facing Eddie. 

“How so?” he asks gently. 

Eddie smiles; the softness of Buck’s voice is putting him at ease.

“Well, Frank officially told me I’m depressed,” Eddie says. “And that I’m traumatized. And that I’m pissed off at myself for being depressed and traumatized. And . . . he’s right. I _have_ spent a _long time_ just being sad and angry. Mostly at myself. I’m kinda just now coming out of it.” 

“I’m so sorry, Eddie,” Buck says immediately. “I’m sorry I haven’t been able to help you through this.”

“You can’t help me through something if I don’t _tell_ you about it, Buck,” Eddie says. “And I _haven’t_ been telling you.”

“But I’m still your _best friend_ ,” Buck retorts fiercely, “and I _knew_ something was going on with you, but I didn’t say anything. I told myself you needed me to give you space or something. I told myself you didn’t _want_ me to know.” 

“That’s not entirely wrong,” Eddie says. “I don’t know that I would’ve told you had you asked. I didn’t say anything to anyone else. I _barely_ admitted it to myself. That’s been my problem, and it’s not like that’s _your_ fault.” 

“Yeah, well, I still could’ve made it easier for you,” Buck says. “You would probably feel safer telling me stuff if you knew I’d actually _be here_ for you.” 

Eddie moves closer to Buck and puts his hand on his knee. Buck blinks at Eddie, clearly surprised by the touch. Eddie fights the urge to snatch his hand back.

“Buck, _you are_ here for me. You always have been. You’ve given me and Christopher more than I could ever ask for. A _lot_ more than I can ever repay you for.”

Buck shakes his head and laughs without the slightest bit of humor. 

“No, I haven’t. I haven’t even been honest with you . . .” 

Eddie does slowly draw his hand back now. 

“What do you mean?”

Buck doesn’t answer. His hands start to twitch, and he ducks his head. 

“Buck . . . please look at me again.” 

Buck looks up at Eddie again, but he looks no less uncomfortable; he has a guilty expression on his face.

“What do you mean you haven’t been honest?” 

“I mean . . .” Buck rubs at the back of his reddening neck. “Okay, so speaking of when I ghosted you . . . I lied about why I did that? I told you I was hanging out with Maddie or whatever, but that wasn’t true.”

Eddie had figured as much. Funny enough, he’d gotten annoyed with himself for caring then. 

“Okay . . .” Eddie says. “Why _did_ you do it?”

“I was—I was kinda _avoiding_ you?” Buck answers contritely. “I needed some time away from you.”

Eddie’s stomach drops, but he tries to keep his expression as neutral as possible. He can’t get too upset to get answers now. Eddie will just have to be miserable after Buck leaves, if it comes to that.

“Why did you need time away from me? Did I do something . . . ?” 

“No! _No!_ You didn’t do anything. I just . . . I’m . . . ” 

Buck closes his eyes tightly. Eddie sits quietly, but he’s feeling more and more anxious as he watches Buck. Eddie really wants Buck to just say _whatever_ he’s going to say so Eddie can deal with it. 

Buck sighs heavily, and opens his eyes again. 

“I needed time away from you because I needed to figure out how I feel about you.”

. . . How _he feels_ about Eddie?

Eddie doesn’t ask the question aloud; he lets it stay written all over his face. Buck sees it and nods, but Eddie suspects he’s nodding to himself.

“Yeah, I, um . . . God, man,” Buck stammers. He takes another deep breath and continues, “I’ve never felt this way about _anyone_ before. In my life. And, at first, I thought it was just because we’re best friends, and I’ve never had a friend like you before. You know me differently than everyone else knows me. But then I realized that it was _different_ than that. It feels . . . _deeper_ than that. A lot deeper.”

Buck . . . he can’t be. There’s no way. 

“Buck . . . ?” Eddie mutters. Because he _needs_ Buck to keep going and tell Eddie _exactly_ what he means. Because there’s no way he means what Eddie thinks he means. 

“I . . . I didn’t feel this way about Alli,” Buck says. “ . . . or . . . even _Abby_. The way I feel about you is a lot stronger than that.”

 _No._ Eddie’s imagining this.

But the look on Buck’s face seems very, very real. 

“And I didn’t think I was ever going to tell you this because I didn’t . . . I didn’t want to _lose_ you, Eddie,” Buck’s voice breaks. “I-I didn’t want to lose _Christopher_ , because I _really_ love him, you know? But, the thing is . . . I _love you._ I’m _in love_ with you. And . . . I think you should know that I want to be with you.” 

Eddie stares at Buck, stunned into silence. The words Buck’s said barely fit together in Eddie’s mind. Eddie has to reconsider them a hundred times before he can process them. 

Buck just told Eddie he’s in love with him. That he _wants_ to be with him. 

Eddie blinks. 

And then he laughs. 

Hysterically. Almost a little manically. 

Eddie laughs so hard that he bends over, his forehead nearly touching the couch cushions. His entire body shakes as laughter peels through him. 

Because holy shit, he’d been _so fucking scared!_ Eddie has been so scared that he felt he was going to _die_ ; he’d felt like his heart was going to give out on him at any second. And now, here’s _Buck_ being the one to confess to Eddie! Buck feels _the same way as Eddie_ , and Eddie never saw it. He never even wanted to consider the possibility. 

Eddie’s such a fucking idiot. And he’s never been so relieved to feel so stupid. 

The only thing that stops Eddie’s laughter is the sudden feeling of Buck getting up from the couch. 

Eddie looks up and sees Buck rushing towards the door. And it only just now hits him that Buck told Eddie he was in love with him, and Eddie responded by _laughing in his face._

“Shit! Buck, wait! Wait, wait, _wait!_ ” 

Eddie trips and stumbles his way to Buck. He manages to cut in front of Buck and stands in front of the door with his hands up. Buck glares at him with tears in his eyes and his fists clenched, and Eddie briefly wonders if Buck wants to punch him. 

“Buck! I’m sorry! I just—”

“ _Please move._ ”

“I didn’t mean to—”

“I get it, Eddie!” Buck shouts. “Okay? _I get it_ . It’s never going to happen! I _figured_ you wouldn’t want me. But you could just _say that!_ You don’t have to do _this!_ You don’t have to fucking—”

Eddie grabs Buck’s arms and holds onto him for dear life. 

“Buck! _I love you!_ ” 

Eddie blurts the words out without a second thought. And wow, do they sound loud in the empty house. There’s no going back now. There’s no escaping the honesty surrounding the two of them. 

Buck looks at Eddie skeptically, and he leans away from him.

“ _Please_ don’t fuck with me, Eddie,” Buck says, his voice gone raspy. “I can’t _do_ this . . . I don’t have it in me.”

“I’m not! I swear I’m not! I _love_ you, Buck. I love you so much.” 

The words fall out of Eddie’s mouth as if he hasn’t spent weeks trapping them in. Eddie says “I love you” as if he’s been saying it for _years_. As if, just a couple of months prior, he didn’t still think himself too uncertain of his feelings to use those words. 

But Eddie’s not uncertain. He’s absolutely sure of how he feels now. 

Eddie pulls Buck closer because he _needs_ Buck to believe him. He needs Buck to hear him loud and clear. Because he loves Buck. He really fucking loves Buck. And he needs Buck to know that. 

“I love you. And I should’ve told you that a _while_ ago,” Eddie laughs. He’s surprised to hear himself crying, too. “But I’d decided not to because I didn’t think you’d feel this way about me.”

Buck’s face softens, but he still looks at Eddie warily. 

“And you laughed at me because . . . ?” 

Eddie chuckles wetly. “Just me laughing at myself for being a dumb ass. Because I’ve been wasting so much time.”

Buck stares at Eddie, his eyes combing all over Eddie’s face. Eddie can see Buck working through his disbelief; Buck’s eyebrows furrow, his lips part, and he just _stares_ at Eddie. Eddie wants to reassure him again; he wants to figure out the best way to make Buck understand how much he loves him. Eddie searches his mind, trying to piece together the best way to say _I love you_ again. 

But then Buck’s lips crash into his. 

**

Eddie’s memory is a little hazy.

He remembers that first kiss: rough, surprising, and fast, with Buck holding Eddie so tightly that they both might’ve stopped breathing. 

Eddie remembers the second one pretty clearly, too, because he’d made it softer and slower, and Buck moaned softly into Eddie’s mouth, and Eddie felt flustered and hot all over. 

Eddie can’t say much about the third kiss, or the fourth, or the dozens that followed. He’s not entirely sure when shirts came off, or even of when they left the living room and ended up tangled up in the sheets of Eddie’s bed. 

Eddie just knows that Buck’s warm and heavy on top of Eddie, weighing him down in the best way possible. He pulls Buck even closer, pressing his hands against the small of Buck’s back. Buck’s _everywhere_ : he’s all over Eddie, and Eddie feels overwhelmed and dizzy and he wants this _so badly._

This is entirely new to Eddie. He’s held plenty of people in his hands the way Buck’s holding him, but _no one’s_ ever held _him_ like this. Buck’s rough and hard in spots where women’s bodies tend to be soft, and Eddie has to adjust a little. 

Eddie has no idea what he's doing.

Buck does, though. 

So, Eddie eagerly gives himself over to him. 

**

“Buck? Can I ask you something?”

Buck hums affirmatively, his eyes still closed. Eddie smiles and gently rubs his knuckles against Buck’s jawline. He thinks he could spend the rest of his life touching Buck. 

But there’s a question that won’t leave him alone. 

“Earlier . . . you said you figured I wouldn’t want you. What’d you mean by that?” 

Buck doesn’t open his eyes, but his eyebrows furrow. The corners of Buck’s mouth twitch, turning downwards, and he sighs. 

“Just what I said,” Buck mutters. “I figured you wouldn’t want to be with me. That if I told you how I was feeling . . . we wouldn’t be friends anymore.”

“Why? What made you think that?” 

Buck slowly opens his eyes, giving Eddie a sleepy glare.

“Well, for one, I could’ve sworn you were _straight._ ”

Eddie laughs shakily. His face is burning, and he can feel the butterflies in his stomach.

“Yeah, I don’t know about that,” Eddie mumbles. “But I thought you were, too.”

“I don’t know if I’d call myself that. At least not anymore,” Buck says. “But, um . . . I also thought . . . I mean, why would you want your needy, whiny coworker who keeps screwing everything up?”

Eddie frowns and sits up. Buck peers up at him with growing fear in his eyes. Eddie reaches down and strokes Buck’s cheek with his thumb.

“Buck, none of that is true,” Eddie says. 

“It kinda is,” Buck retorts. “I mean, the lawsuit alone kinda proves it. You had every right to be mad at me.” 

“I’m so _over_ that, though,” Eddie stresses. “I’ve been over it for a long time. You’re not needy or whiny or any of that, and you don’t screw _anything up_ . And even if you _were_ , I’d love you, anyway, Buck." 

Buck snorts. “Would you? You sure about that?” 

“ _Yes_ ,” Eddie says with absolutely no hesitation. “I know I would.”

Buck doesn’t say anything. He just nods at Eddie before letting his head rest on Eddie’s thigh. Eddie finds himself mindlessly tracing a circle at the top of Buck’s back, and he smiles when Buck softly sighs.

“Besides,” Eddie says, “I told you _I_ was the one who thought you’d run away from _me._ Thought you’d get tired of all of _this_ eventually.” 

Buck peers up at Eddie with a loose grin. 

“Don’t know why the hell you’d think _that._ You’re the only place I ever want to be.” 

Eddie’s lips part and he just stares at Buck, rendered completely speechless. 

Buck doesn’t need him to say anything, though. He just sits up, crawls closer to Eddie, and kisses him. Hard.


	13. Chapter 13

They don’t have to tell Christopher. Christopher already knows. 

He calls them out on it when they’re at the park one day. Buck and Eddie are just sitting, eating the lunch Buck packed, when Christopher looks at the both of them and asks why they aren’t sitting right next to each other.

Eddie and Buck look at each other, confused and more than a little alarmed. 

“Um, we’re good where we are,” Eddie says with a fretful laugh. “Why do you ask, buddy?”

Christopher shrugs, but he has a sly smile on his face.

“Dunno. Because you  _ like  _ each other. And you kiss sometimes. So, you should sit next to each other.”

Buck’s jaw drops, and Eddie can feel his face turning red. Christopher giggles like he’s suddenly shared a secret with them. 

“Have you  _ seen  _ us kiss before, Chris?” Buck asks, sounding every bit as mortified as Eddie feels. 

“ _ Yes _ , I have,” Chris confirms with another giggle. “It’s kinda  _ gross _ ! But I’m okay with it! I like that you like each other.”

Eddie didn’t even realize how relieved he’d be to hear Christopher say that until this very moment. 

“Well, that’s very nice to hear. Thank you,” Eddie says. He’s completely sincere, despite the fact that he kinda wants to pass out. 

Christopher nods with a grin, seemingly proud of himself. 

“You’re welcome, Daddy!” 

Christopher goes back to his sandwich as if nothing’s happened. 

Eddie and Buck look at each other and break into their own fit of giggles. 

**

Buck spends the night more often than not.

At first, Eddie tells himself it’s out of convenience. There’s no point in Buck trying to drive home if it’s super late, or if he’s really tired, or if they’ve been drinking and he’s a little buzzed. It’s much safer and easier for Buck to just spend the night there. 

Just like it’s easier for them to ride to work together instead of riding in two separate cars. And just like it’s easier for them to ride home together, too, because Buck would eventually come over anyway, right? 

Eddie tells himself that for a while. But, eventually, Eddie has to admit that’s total bullshit.

Because there are plenty of nights where Buck  _ could _ carry himself home, but he and Eddie choose to have him stay. Buck’s all too happy to tuck Christopher into bed, clean up the house and then hop into bed with Eddie. Buck’s all too happy to spend all of his free time with them. And Eddie’s all too happy to let him do it. 

Eddie sometimes has to remind himself that Buck  _ wants  _ to spend time with them. He  _ likes  _ it. He’s not obligated to; he’s not tired of them. Buck  _ wants  _ to be with Eddie. 

The feeling of being so wanted is still a little foreign to Eddie. But he thinks he’ll get used to it. 

**

Buck  _ does  _ make life a lot easier, though. Eddie wasn’t totally wrong about that. 

Raising Christopher, working, sleeping at night. Hell, just being alive, in general. It’s all a lot easier to do when you have someone you know cares for you. It’s easier to ignore the voices in Eddie’s head; it’s easier to remind himself that he doesn’t have to be hateful to himself. That he can exist without pressure or regret or frustration. 

Eddie makes Buck’s life easier, too. Buck tells Eddie that all the time. 

He tells Eddie it’s easier to forgive himself when Eddie is there to insist he has nothing to forgive himself for. He tells Eddie it’s easier to say how he feels when he knows Eddie is there to listen and understand. He tells Eddie it’s easier to feel safe—to feel  _ loved _ —when he knows Eddie is going to be there to love him. 

“I don’t know what I’d do without you . . .” Buck often says. 

He says it whether they’re at work, whether they’re stretched out on his couch, whether they’re in bed and on the edge of sleep. Buck says that almost as much as he says “I love you.” 

Eddie believes him every time. 

**

As it turns out, they don’t have to tell everyone else at work, either. They already know, too. 

Eddie and Buck had decided to tell Bobby about their relationship. The only reason they were going to do it is because they know the LAFD has some policies about fraternization and filing paperwork with HR and all that nonsense. They figured they might as well get it over with. 

But the day they decide to go into Bobby’s office to talk, Bobby meets them at the door with a smile on his face and hands them manila folders.

“Just fill these out and turn them into me before the end of the shift,” Bobby says. “You can leave them on my desk before you go home.”

Eddie and Buck take the folders and watch as Bobby struggles not to laugh at the looks on their faces.

“How’d you know?” Buck asks flatly. 

Bobby shrugs and only grins wider when Buck glares at him. Eddie notices Chimney and Hen approaching them from across the room, and he zeroes in on Chimney’s mischievous smirk. 

“Let me guess,” Eddie says. “Buck told Maddie, Maddie told you, and you told  _ everyone  _ else. Right?”

“Eh, kinda,” Chimney says. “Maddie really just confirmed what we already figured. It was  _ obvious  _ you two were in love.”

“Obvious to all of  _ us _ ,” Hen adds. “We were just kinda hoping you guys would get your shit together sooner rather than later. Because things were getting pretty dire with you two.” 

Eddie’s chest and stomach go tight. He glances over to Buck and sees that his face is bright red, and he’s biting the inside of his cheek.

“ _ That’s  _ what all those little remarks you were making meant, huh, Chim?” Buck asks. 

Chimney shrugs. Eddie makes a mental note to ask Buck what exactly Chimney has been putting him through this whole time. 

“Honestly, kid, trying to push you to make a move on him was starting to feel like a part-time job,” Chimney quips. 

Bobby and Hen both cackle while Buck’s face falls to the floor. Eddie gapes at Hen, and he suddenly remembers that little question Hen posed to him a while ago:  _ what’s been up with you and ole Buckaroo?  _ And then he remembers that strange look on Bobby’s face that one time Buck asked him out for a drink.

Wow, they really  _ were  _ obvious to everyone. Everyone but themselves. 

“I mean,” Chimney continues, “even  _ Bobby  _ couldn’t get through to you, Buck.” 

“ _ What?! _ ” Buck squeaks, looking incredibly betrayed. 

“Well, Buck, I  _ did  _ try to nudge you in the right direction at times,” Bobby admits. “But you both are quite stubborn. And a little oblivious.” 

Even Eddie has to laugh at the stare Buck gives them. 

“I can’t fucking believe this,” Buck mumbles. 

Eddie snorts and tosses an arm around Buck and flashes his nosy family a grin.

“Thanks, Cap. We’ll go fill these out now.”

“Stay where we can  _ see  _ you,” Bobby orders teasingly.

Buck squawks as everyone laughs again. Eddie just pulls Buck along, letting himself feel giddy and embarrassed. 

**

Eddie tells Abuela over the phone. 

She calls him while he, Buck and Christopher are having movie night. Eddie and Buck look down at his phone and realize now is as good a time as ever. Eddie was going to have to tell her eventually. 

He’s not as brave as he’d like to be about it. Eddie spends 20 minutes wandering around the kitchen and talking about absolutely nothing with her before he finally reaches the subject. By the time he’s able to say Buck’s name, his voice is shaky, and he feels like he’s having a heart attack. 

“Buck and I . . . we’re together now. We’ve decided to start dating.”

Abuela says nothing for a long time. Eddie tries to keep himself from crying. He wants to hang up and ignore each and every phone call he gets afterwards. 

But then her voice comes back over the phone, sounding soft and warm.

“I’m glad, nieto. I’ve always liked that young man.” 

Eddie cries anyway. 

He’s crying when Abuela laughs and tells him he never has to worry about her loving him. He cries when she tells him Buck has to start coming to dinner at her house on Sunday nights. 

Eddie’s still crying when he sits back down on the couch next to Buck, trying to wipe at his eyes so that Christopher doesn’t notice. Buck looks at him with fear before Eddie smiles at him.

“We’re good,” Eddie whispers. “Everything’s good.”

Buck laughs, his voice full of relief. He leans over and kisses Eddie softly on the lips.

“ _ Ewww _ , you guys,” Christopher whines. 

Buck reaches back and musses Christopher’s hair, earning a loud, happy shriek in response. Christopher thwacks Buck with a pillow, and the next thing Eddie knows, he’s witnessing a pillow fight between his 9-year-old son and 28-year-old boyfriend. 

A small voice in Eddie’s mind starts nagging at him, telling him that Abuela could change her mind about them. That she could tell his parents, and they’ll be furious and try to take Christopher away. Or that Christopher could get older and decide he’s not okay with this at all, and that he wants to go away from Eddie.

Eddie hears the voice; he can acknowledge it’s there. But, he decides to take a deep breath and focus on what’s happening right now, right in front of his eyes. Christopher and Buck are acting like two little rambunctious kids on the couch, and Eddie’s never seen anything so beautiful. 

**

“So. how have you been feeling lately?”

Eddies his lip and stares at the carpet of Frank’s office for a moment. It’s that same simple question that Eddie will probably never have a simple answer for. 

Eddie thinks he’s okay with that, though. 

“I feel . . . happier. A  _ lot  _ happier.” 

“Happier?” 

Eddie nods. 

“Yeah. I mean, I still have my moments. Probably always will. But . . . I think I’m getting there.” 

Saying that so certainly makes Eddie a little nervous. But he knows it’s true. 

Frank smiles at him proudly.

“I think you’re getting there, too.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did NOT expect myself to finish this so quickly lol.
> 
> Thank you to everyone who's read it!


End file.
